author: moontrills [ 1 ] WARNING: The following story involves actual wives and family members of the band. The author did not intend to offend or intrude on their private lives as this is purely fiction. However if you find this offensive, not reading it is suggested. ***** Thom was dreaming. The scene was completely unfamiliar to him, as opposed to the usual reoccurring dream he'd been having over the past few weeks. In every one of them, he could see himself standing on a deserted beach, watching a white boat sail off into the distance. Every time he could see the figure of a girl standing on the decks, her willowy frame unmoved as the boat seemed to rock on the waves, causing her dark hair to flip and flap in the harsh wind. Thom could never see her face in the dream, which was quite frustrating considering he would always wake up with a strange feeling of uneasiness. Thom felt for certain that this was someone he knows in real life, but he couldn't quite place his finger on who it could be. But tonight.... the setting was much different. Thom found himself running at full speed on a stretch of meadow that seemed to go on forever. He had a feeling that he'd been running for a long time, but his legs didn't burn with the usual pain of having pushed its physical limits, in fact it felt more or less mechanical. He looked up at the bright sky, but instead of the midday sun and clear blue sky, he saw countless rows of burning, fluorescent lights and above it a gray ceiling. A sense of foreboding filled his head as panic spread through his lungs. Thom wanted to get out of this place, but the more he ran, the longer the meadow seemed to stretch. "Thom!" Someone was calling for him from up ahead, and quite urgently at that. He felt as if the person needed help, so he picked up speed again as his eyes scanned the horizon for any possible sign of human life. Completely barren with the exception of the rich carpet of grass under his bare feet, Thom’s view was clear and endless. But still no sign of anyone. "Thom!" The voice came again, and Thom became more panicked as he realized the voice was getting farther and still no person ahead. He ignored the heat bearing down on him from the infinite lights overhead, and flew through the tall blades of grass. Suddenly, his eyes picked up a black dot at the far end. Feeling a renewed sense of hope, Thom reached for the figure with a fervor that he couldn't quite explain. Closer Thom’s legs cut through the fields Closer His breath came out in a ragged wheeze Just a little more Thom realized the figure was no longer a dot, but was growing larger as he drew closer Almost there He felt like he would soon be close enough to reach out and touch him But as his arms stretched forward, his body lurched and fell flat into the grass. Something had been in the way of his feet, Thom realized as he painfully pulled himself up. The figure he was running for was now nowhere in sight. But in front of him was the body of a boy. His frail form stretched face down among the green, completely unconscious and almost lifeless. Reaching out to touch the body, Thom ran his fingers down the side of his face in morbid curiosity and proceeded to turn over his body facing up. Thom opened his eyes. How fucking convenient, Thom sighed. He looked over at the clock. 8 am. Rolling over, Thom was annoyed to see the sun shining lethally bright outside his windows and the spot next to him empty and cold. It’s been a strange couple of months. Having just finished a massive world tour (as big as Thom would allow it after something like the OK Computer fiasco), him and the rest of the band were back in the studios starting to record some new material. But instead of the overabundance of creativity that usually swirled around their Mayfair studio, the band found themselves completely uninspired and blah after the stressful couple of months before. Thom thought himself particularly rusty; more and more, he felt completely incapable of writing a proper melody. His lyrics sounded all clichéd and wrong, and he also began to seriously doubt his abilities as a vocalist. On top of that, and most likely contributing to his dwindling songwriting skills, Thom found himself more and more separated from Rachel. Not only was she acting distant and preoccupied all the time, she was also never home. Something was wrong and Thom could feel all the tension and problems bearing down on him. Thom reached up and pulled down the shades Rachel opened before she left. He felt around for his robe in the now partially dark room and pulled them on. Dragging himself out of bed and practically crawling towards the bathroom, Thom found the prospect of having to endure another day of endless failures and unhappiness to be something he couldn't bring himself to look forward to. ------------------------------- Jonny kept quiet. Downstairs, he can hear the sound of his wife preparing breakfast for the family. Glancing around him inside the steamy bathroom, jonny almost felt a little disoriented as he shivered under the scalding hot water beating down his back. No time to admire the scenery. He thought to himself. Looking down at his hand, jonny stared as it hypnotically as it started beating out a familiar rhythm. The motion was absolutely mechanical and he couldn't help but get lost in the sight. Harder Faster Jonny began to feel light headed as the sensation took over everything else. He imagined himself as the force of water, building up right before an opening is released. He let out a moan. Harder Faster Leaning against the porcelain walls of the shower, jonny surrendered his will to the overwhelming feeling of losing control. His wet hair slathered across his face, his legs buckling under the burning hot interior, and his lips trembling in waves of ecstasy, jonny allowed his natural desire to scream out take over as his knees gave out and his body gave in to the seismic quakes that took control, releasing in a white hot burst of liquid. With one last sigh, jonny collapsed unto the shower floor. If he had to be honest with himself, jonny would have no choice but to admit that this has been going on for quite some time now. Getting up every morning at a quarter to 8, jonny practically pranced out of bed and into the shower. It was his time alone...without any outside problems, stress, disappointments and pain weighing down on him. And for once, he was free to do something for no one but himself. But if he had to be truly honest with himself again, he would also have no choice but to admit that he's not made love to sharona for 6 months now. Was there something wrong with him? Chalking up to bad stomachaches or just plain distaste for the act itself, jonny gently refused the request every time his wife hinted at the act. Sometimes, the guilt in seeing her disappointed face would be enough to make him go over and engage in some sort of sexual activity with her. But never sex. He couldn't. Even the act of kissing and other generally arcane acts put him off. He looked down at his cock. Sometimes, jonny genuinely worried for his marriage. It’s true what they say despite the idealists...sex does make a difference in marriage. And sharona was getting frustrated, he could tell. Sometimes at his most lonely, jonny asked himself why the change. He felt that he wasn't always like this...but maybe it was there all along. At first, he thought that maybe he just wasn't attracted to sharona anymore. Yet each time he saw her, she seemed to grow prettier and prettier. Then, he thought foolishly that maybe he just has no sex drive. Well...that theory soon bit the dust, as his daily ritual became a part of his morning. The truth of the matter was that jonny is a highly sexualized individual. So what? What the fuck is making me so unbelievably cold? Jonny thought to himself as his hand turned off the tap. He thought back to earlier that morning as he first made his way into the shower. He tried to recall what was in his mind during the session; what in his thoughts had made him feel that alive and set his spirits soaring so high? He dried himself off, and started to massage cream into his naked skin. Deep in thought, jonny's hand made its way toward his cock for the second time that morning. He glanced at it absentmindedly. Fuck. Jonny realized with a start what was turning himself on that morning.... and every morning for that past 6 months. Dropping his hands, an image of a boy flew into his mind. ------------------------------- "Fuck, jonny! That’s the forth time you hit that wrong note." Thom yelled out morosely. "Thom, lay off. He’s doing his best." Ed interjected. Jonny sighed. "No. Thom’s right. It’s my fault. I haven't been paying attention" The day was off to another awful start. Colin, for one was not in because of a problem with his family. Thom could feel a sore throat coming, and everybody was tense. Thom wanted to scream and throw some awful temper tantrum.... but he knew better. Sitting down defeatedly onto the piano bench, he looked up to find jonny quickly throwing him a wistful glance. What was up with him? Thom thought to himself. Jonny was in fact acting stranger than usual. Not only was he completely spaced out and not paying attention to anything, he kept on throwing odd looks at Thom. And when Thom caught his gaze, jonny would quickly look down. I better find out what the hell is going on before it really fucks up the sessions, Thom thought to himself. Standing up with a look of determination in his eyes, Thom set out to get the band back on track first. At least, the best way he knew how. ------------------------------- The room was quiet. Everyone had left the studio for the day and outside the sun was already setting. Jonny sighed. What a shitty day. All day, he was haunted by the image that was permanently engraved into his brain from that morning; the delicate frame of the boy's body, his skin, his hair...everything about him was driving jonny absolutely insane. What’s worse is that every time the image reappeared in his mind, he is reminded yet again of the real identity of the boy. That boy wasn't just anyone; the truth of the matter was that the boy who appeared in his mind that morning was none other than Thom. At that realization, the thought that Thom was the only person jonny has been getting off on for the past 6 months wasn't so far a stretch. Running his hand through his thick hair, jonny played back the events of that day in his mind. Thom was cross and he made no attempt at hiding it. In fact, he was growing more and more aggravated each day. Jonny knew it had to do with their lack of improvement and productivity in the studio...but he also knew there was something else. Something much graver. Thinking back, jonny recalled a tense phone conversation shared between Thom and Rachel he had beared witness to a couple weeks back. Thom was accusing Rachel of forgetting about the family; his face had been unreadable but his voice a tender refrain of helplessness. It would seem quite obvious that the family situation wasn't much better than everything else in his life. Jonny felt for Thom. He could feel his own marriage slipping under the wheels of his own out of control desires. Was he really gay? Or was it just the remnants of a boyhood crush coming back to disturb him after all these years? Jonny had no clue, and frankly he preferred the latter. Too much was at risk here.... his wife, his child, his entire family and social life could change. And right now, he didn't want to lose sharona and tamir because mid way through his life, his libido decides to switch to the other sex. Standing up, he proceeded to walk towards the door, his jacket and knapsack in hand. Bending over to smooth the wrinkles on his shirt, he barely noticed the compact form just turning into the darkening room before smacking square into it. ------------------------------- "Jonny! Pay attention to where you're going!" Thom shouted, irritated with jonny already. "Sorry Thom. I didn't see you." jonny responded sheepishly, looking almost forlorn as he childishly rubbed his bleary eyes. "Never mind, look, jonny we need to talk." wasting no time, Thom walked towards the studio couch and pulled jonny over. "Listen, is something wrong? I mean, everything going fine at home?" Thom seemed generally concerned, which was a baffling change from just 5 minutes ago. Jonny pulled out of his grasp. "Yeah, everything is great." Jon mustered a smile as he pushed the unhappy thoughts out of his mind. "Are you sure? Cos you seem to be a bit distracted lately...if there really is anything wrong, you know you can tell me, right?" he ran his hand soothingly up and down jonny's back. Jonny stifled a moan and crouched down in order to hide his own desires. "I know I’ve been a bit of a surly bastard for the past couple of days, but you know how I am. Complete mess under stress" Thom laughed dryly. "Yeah" this time, it was a genuine smile. Jonny decided to give Thom a little bit of exactly what he wanted, just so he'll get off his back. "Listen, Thom. I’m going to tell you something but you have to promise not to tell anyone else" "I promise" Thom looked back wide-eyed with a determined look on his face. It took all of jonny's strength not to reach over and run his hands up and down his face. "The truth is.... something is wrong. It’s sharona. I’m afraid the marriage has been a bit rocky lately." jonny sighed. Thom looked at him sympathetically. "Oh jonny. If I had known...listen, I’m in the same boat. But I’m not going to get into that. Tell me, what's been wrong with sharona" "No, it's not her. It’s me. The, uhhh, sex has been a little strained" jonny looked down, afraid to gaze into Thom’s eyes. He felt for sure if Thom even had one good look at his eyes, he'd know that's not the problem at all. Thom laughed. "That’s all?" "What do you mean, that's all? This could be a serious problem!" jonny protested, this time his voice burning with a real intensity mostly stemming from his other, much bigger problem. "Well mate, aren't you the one that's always going on about how much you despise sex?" Thom said, running his hand up and down jonny's thighs. "Only with girls." jonny mumbled. "What’s that? "Oh, nothing." "Listen, for better or for worse, this will only be a brief thing, and I’m sure it'll blow over soon." and with that, Thom gave him a friendly pat on his legs. He stiffened. Did he have to be so goddamn touchy all the time? He thought to himself bitterly. Grabbing his knapsack, jonny stood up quickly and positioned his jacket in front of his big surprise. "Uhhh thanks Thom. I should get going...sharona is probably waiting for me at home" and without even waiting to hear Thom’s response, jonny spun out of the room, and practically ran into his car. Fucking hell. Jonny thought to himself once in the car. This was a lot more serious than he thought, looking down at his stiffening erection. Resisting the urge to slip his hand down his pants, he quickly turned on the ignition and pulled out of the studio parking lot. I know what to do. There’s no other way. Jonny thought as he rushed home. ------------------------------- "Rachel? Are you home" Silence. Fuck. Thom thought to himself. It was 8pm, and the house was empty. Again. Noah was staying over at his aunt's house tonight, and Thom had thought stupidly that Rachel would be home tonight for a change, which would have given him the perfect chance to salvage what was left of their marriage. "Should have thought better, you git." Thom scolded himself as he dropped his jacket on the couch. Thom walked towards the bedroom. He thought back to his conversation with jonny, and smiled wistfully. He really wished that sex was the biggest problem in his life right now. Shaking his head, Thom sighed. He was in serious need of a nap after a much tiring day. Kicking his shoes off and climbing into the king sized bed, Thom literally collapsed. He felt his eyes grow heavy, and decided to just sleep in his clothes since he was too tired to manage anything at that point. Trying to get comfortable, Thom felt a strange lump under the blanket. He reached his hand underneath and pulled something out. It was a pair of boxer-briefs. Thom was puzzled. As far as he knew, he owned nothing but boxers. So unless Rachel was into boxer-briefs herself, someone else, a male must have been inside their bedroom sometime today. Thom was all of a sudden very awake. Getting up and grabbing the nearest weapon-like object (it was Noah’s plastic toy cricket bat), Thom tiptoed around the entire house. He checked every nook and cranny, turned out all the lights and even stuck his head outside to see if anything was out of order. Nothing. After locking all the doors in his house, he walked back into his bedroom. I’ll ask Rachel about it later, Thom thought to himself. He walked towards the phone, thinking about ordering some vegan take-out, but stopped when he saw a message flash on the answering machine. He pressed the play button, and a male voice came on the intercom "Hey, Rachel. I just wanted to say thanks for last night. You were absolutely amazing." the voice laughed, "Listen, I’m really looking forward to seeing you again. So how about sometime today after 3pm? I’ll be in my office, so feel free to ring me. Maybe we could meet at your place again. Hope you had a good day at work. Bye, luv" Thom checked the time of the message. 12pm His heart sank. Someone was here today, but he hadn't been alone. Thom had a gut feeling that those boxer-briefs belonged to none other than the voice on the answering machine, and that they had been slipped off by none other than the woman he’s been in love with practically his whole life. Thom buried his head into his hands and screamed. ------------------------------- "Jonny! You’re home early!" sharona cried when jonny walked through the door. "No time to talk. Come with me, babe" jonny grabbed a hold of her delicate hand and practically pulled her into the bedroom. "Hey!" sharona protested, writhing a bit against her husband's equally delicate, yet firm grasp. "I promise you won't be disappointed." jonny looked back and smiled slyly. The petite girl stared at jonny, her own head absolutely spinning from his apparently abnormal behavior. She wanted to ask him if everything was okay, but thought better of it. She’d be stupid not to seize the chance. After all, it's not everyday a sex-crazed jonny makes an appearance. Sharona giggled Jonny looked back at her, happy to see his wife enjoying the moment. Better hold unto it...it's not going to last. It was a strange thought that just came out of nowhere, and jonny quickly shoved it out of his head. Concentrating all his strength on staying aroused, jonny thought he could use a little help, considering just having sharona hasn't exactly been working for the past half year. Jonny tried to think of as many sexy images as possible - making sure that none of them involved Thom, or any male for that matter - he thought back to his childhood days of fantasizing about Nico, even Kim Gordon was seductive in a dirty kind of way, a thought that never turned him on before, but now seemed plenty attractive. Audrey Hepburn, Polly Jean, that Cate Blanchette bird...jonny looked up at sharona, her bright eyes shining in a way that he hasn't seen in a long time. He was suddenly struck with a tidal wave of guilt. Falling down on top of the bed, jonny abruptly stopped everything and thought back on the start of the relationship. He tried to remember if there were any signs that had alluded to this. None. Everything was pretty much normal. Yeah, he fantasized about the odd boy every once in a while, but it was much more of a recreational activity as opposed to his full-time attraction to sharona. He was thoroughly mesmerized by her. And look at them now. No sex life, jonny struggling with his own sexual orientation and resorting to thinking about anyone BUT her during sex, for fucks sake, and sharona.........sharona, still beautiful as ever. Jonny ran his fingers down her face, deep down wishing that she would always stay this way, absolutely pure and unbridled. He knew at that point that she deserved better from him. He owed it to her, from every moment he'd been away from her, from the family, for every bit of unhappiness he'd caused her; he needed to make it up to her. It was the right thing to do for someone that's not so much as hurt a hair on his body. He couldn't let something as stupid as a boyhood crush (and that's EXACTLY what it was, nothing more) get in the way of sharona's well-being, even if it meant never being satisfied sexually again. Jonny sighed. "Listen, Jon. If you changed your mind, it's okay. I have to cook dinner and tamir will be home any minute" sharona spoke up, her smile seemed forced. Jonny stood up and pulled her towards him. She was always so transparent, he grinned in spite of himself. "Sharona, look. I’ve been a absolute minging cunt for the past 6 months, completely stressed out and catatonic. Still, it's no excuse for the way I’ve been ignoring you. Now, you're my wife. And you deserve a certain level of physical satisfaction that I don't believe I’ve been delivering. I could kneel and beg for your forgiveness, or I could make it up to you in a much more…'hands-on' way." jonny looked up and smiled at her uncertainly. Despite all that lost sexual chemistry, jonny still found himself blushing under sharona's gaze while speaking in such a brash tone. The change was not lost on sharona, as she looked at him, wide-eyed and completely floored by his words. She’d never heard him speak like that before, at least, not that she remembered. And at that moment, sharona didn't care where it came from and what induced it; hell it could have been drug-induced and she doubt it would have made a wink of a difference. All she knew was that jonny, the quiet and shy virtuoso she's admired pretty much from the moment she met him, was coming back to her and begging for her to make love to him. I’d be a fucking fool to say no, she thought to herself. Sharona pulled his face towards her and kissed him lightly on the lips. She felt him shake a little under her touch, and took him tightly in her embrace. Jonny tried not to think about anyone else but sharona. Trying to envision himself literally pushing every unclean, and un-sharona thought out of his head, he pulled out of her tight, almost suffocating hug and kissed her hard on the lips. Jonny thought he heard her whimper a bit, and was blown away by the effect he had on her. Continuing to leave a trail of kisses from her lips, across her face and down to her neck, Jon lightly ran his right hand down her back, and used his left hand to massage the tightness in her upper back. Sharona sighed, and jonny took this as a sign to move down even further. Caressing her throat and her chest with his now swollen lips, jonny brought his hands to the front of her body and slowly, almost shyly began to unbutton her top. According to jonny, he may be a wonder on just about every instrument under the sun, but he was no good at sex. Meanwhile, sharona seemed to disagree. Twisting and writhing under jonny's tender touch, she did all she could to keep her moans under control. Soon though, she gave up and made no attempt to quiet her own voice. Moaning and sighing blissfully under jonny's soft lips, she was caught off guard when he finally made his way down to her core, now burning with an intensity that was almost painful. Softly sliding off her panties, jonny lightly left kisses everywhere except the center, deliberately teasing the inside of her thighs. He was exploring her like Treasure Island, careful not to miss a single spot until he discovered the shining jewels at the end. Sharona almost passed out with lust when he did finally make his way to her inside. Slipping his tongue in and out, he was absolutely the most gentle, and yet passionate person she'd ever experienced. Feeling herself beginning to lose control as her muscles tightened and her legs begin to shake, sharona abruptly pushed Jon’s head away and pulled him towards him. "I think it's only fair that I have a little fun too." Jonny looked at her, his own insides feeling like a battlefield. During the entire time, he was torn between living in the moment in order to make sharona happy, and succumbing to his own desires to fantasize about someone else (whose name absolutely does NOT start with a 'th' and end with an 'm'.). And so far, he's been holding on, absolutely ecstatic at the sound of her own wife's pleasure, finally after all these months. But jonny feared if he let sharona take his cock into her mouth, his imagination would run away from him despite his best efforts. "Please?" and with that, she gave him the most adorable look ever. How could he say no? Kissing her on the forehead, sharona was already bending her head down even before his lips left her skin. Jonny moaned at the first sensation of her hot breath on his cock. It left a tingling trail, as she lightly trailed her tongue down the long shaft of his penis. Jonny gasped out loud as he grabbed unto her soft hair. Continuing to tease him with her soft lips and tongue, it took several thrusts of his hips before sharona finally allowed herself to take all of him in. Screaming out with his eyes closed, jonny ran his fingers through the top part of her chestnut hair. Eyes barely open, his thoughts began to drift. That image of the boy burst into his mind and he almost finished right then and there. Groaning in frustration, jonny managed to pull himself up leaving a surprised sharona with her mouth still open. "What’s wrong?" she asked, a worried tone in her voice. "Did I hurt you?" "No. Nothing like that" he ran his fingers reassuringly down her arm. "I think something bit me, so let's just crawl under the covers." Jonny had never seen a person light up like that, with an almost childlike quality. Pulling her tightly towards him, the two bodies made their way under the covers. Jonny vowed to make the best love that night, for her happiness and for his own sanity. ------------------------------- "Fuck" Thom looked down at the shining pieces of glass now shattered on the bedroom carpet, some silvery and reflecting pieces of his own broken life, some fogged with red. His eyes now completely glassed over, he barely noticed his now blood-torn hand or even felt the excruciating pain. "I should probably clean this up" Thom stood there for another five minutes, and then made his way over to the kitchen. He seemed to have completely forgotten about his hand, and focused on just cleaning up the mess. After sweeping up the glass and vacuuming the entire vicinity, Thom called up the local window repair shoppe and left a message asking for a personnel to come in the next day. Then grabbing a thick sheet of wool from the closet, he pinned them over the window to prevent the chilly November wind from breaking through. Another ten minutes passed by. And then.... something seemed to click. Taking a hold of his injured hand, Thom bit down on his lip hard at that moment of realization, to keep himself from screaming out in pain. Fresh tears squeezed out of his eyes as he recalled the events of the evening. The pants, the telephone message, the out-of-control disappointment and his own action at that moment of desperation. Thom collapsed on the floor and lied there in fetal position, his own heart feeling utterly claustrophobic as if he was trapped within the walls of a woman's womb. But this womb lacked the comfort and familiarity of his own mother's; it was completely cold. And Thom was scared because his body felt much too big to be inside a space as small as this. He whimpered and felt himself wheeze. It wasn't until an hour later when Thom heard the front door open that he felt himself snap out of his catatonic state. Rachel was home. Forgetting the pieces of glass still wedged in his wound, Thom pushed himself up using his hands and half stumbled, half ran downstairs to greet his wife. He had absolutely no idea what to say, in fact the only thing he could think about was the terrifying speed his heart was going at that moment and the imminence of a possible crash. "Rachel? Rachel!" his voice sounded terribly far away and shrill; Thom almost thought it was someone else speaking. "What, Thom?" an exhausted voice responded, somewhat mutedly. Thom made the transition from the dining room into the front hallway, and there she was, still just as devastatingly beautiful as she's always been, covered with splatters of paint having just come back from the studio. He felt a loss of words. Completely bewildered and slightly light-headed, Thom even thought to pretend he knew nothing and just forget about it. After all, confronting Rachel about an affair would do nothing in salvaging this relationship. No. Thom looked down at his wounded, still bleeding hand and a moment of clarity passed in front of his eyes. Was he kidding himself? He couldn't face her knowing what she might have done. Regaining some of his composure, he looked up at his partner. She seemed to be completely oblivious to what was going on inside of him at that point, and was off in her own world absent-mindedly humming an unfamiliar tune. "Rachel, ermmm, a man I’ve never heard of before left you a voice-mail. And I found a pair of boxer-briefs in our bed, and I really don't know what to think right now. I don't want to accuse you of anything, but I just can't really think of any other explanation and this is absolutely killing me and you know me, completely irrational during heightened emotions. Hah. I’ve made a bit of a mess, you see." Thom laughed to himself, gesturing to his hand. "Oh fuck off, Thom. What the hell do you think you're trying to achieve?" a completely unrecognizable voice coming out of his wife responded to Thom’s inquiries. She was cold, accusatory and absolutely furious. "Rachel, don't be angry, please. I just want to talk." Thom walked to her, not realizing he had reached for her with his wounded hand. "Get that fucking thing away from me, Thom!" Rachel shrieked. "You think that just because you have some reasons to believe I’ve been having an affair that it gives you the right to guilt me and threaten me? That’s fucking priceless! But then again, what should I expect? You’re the same self-absorbed, spoiled child that you've always been, always wanting attention and wallowing in this constant state of self-pity and belief that you're somehow worse off then everybody else! It’s fucking despicable, it is!" Rachel was working herself up to a plateau of heightened rage. Looking over at the now shaking Thom, she lowered her voice. "I hate it here, Thom." dejectedly, Rachel sat down on the floor. His eyes now welling up with tears, Thom spoke up. "So...then it's true?" Rachel nodded. Thom was sure that something inside him died at that point. Utterly hopeless, he reached down and started pulling out the shards of glass still stuck in his wound. "Listen, I’m gonna go. I’ll pick Noah up from his aunt's house tomorrow." Rachel quickly stood up and walked towards the door. Thom didn't look up. I have to clean this cut. It’ll get infected. He thought to himself, staring hypnotically at his hand. Rachel opened her mouth to say one last thing before she left him alone, but thought better of it. "See ya," and with that, Rachel stepped out of the house they have lived in for the past 10 years. Still concentrating on his hand, Thom barely noticed when his prolonged light-headedness took its toll and his head hit the ground like a stone coming in contact with a bed of feathers. ------------------------------- Jonny felt like he was floating. With his eyes squeezed shut, and his head buried in Sharona's hair, he came in one final, exuberating exhale. Biting down on his lip in order to keep his screams from escaping, he didn’t realize that Sharona was making no attempts at keeping her own voice down. In fact, he couldn’t really feel or hear anything besides his own rapidly beating heart. Jonny didn’t really know why he was trying so hard to repress his moans, or why he was trying so hard to shut out everything around him by keeping his eyes squeezed so tightly. He thought maybe if he couldn’t hear anything, it would make everything less real. And at this point in his life, the less real things are, the better. Sharona was speaking to him. Still keeping his eyes closed, he tried to focus on her instead of his own problems. “Jonny, that was fucking amazing. What came over you...it’s certainly a change.” Sharona laughed to cover up her own shyness. “And I must say I like it.” Jonny turned his head towards her, but soon realized this to be a useless action considering he couldn’t see her anyway. “Yeah. I dunno.” he ran his own hands through his wet hair and got up, careful to avoid any physical contact with her. “Jon, why are your eyes closed? Look at me.” sharona reached out for his arm and it took all of Jonny’s self-control in order to stop himself from pulling back. “Ah, sharona don’t worry about me. They’re a bit red, that’s all” “Well, I don’t see why you would refuse to look at your own wife.” she sounded hurt. Turning around to stroke her arm reassuringly, jonny couldn’t help but snap his eyes open and gaze at her porcelain face. And with that one glimpse, jonny just as quickly shut them again. “What’s wrong, honey?” sharona reached over to grab his hands, her voice full of concern. “Ugh. Something flew into my eye. I need to get it out.” standing up abruptly, jonny quickly ran towards the bathroom. He slammed the door shut and turned on the tap, splashing water on his burning face. He couldn’t stay in that room any longer, knowing that the reason he had kept his eyes closed during the entire thing was so he could pretend he was in the embrace of someone else. “What the fuck is wrong with me!” he stared himself in the mirror. Studying his reflection, jonny tried to find a trace of change in his face, in his eyes, or on his body. But everything seemed just as it was before, just as it’s always been. This all seemed much too real, and jonny shut his eyes again. Settling down on the floor, he buried his head in his knees until he heard sharona heading downstairs to finish preparing supper, completely oblivious to his own emotional turmoil. Easing his eyes open again, jonny stepped outside the washroom and proceeded to get dressed. He busied himself making the bed neat again, trying desperately not to face the inevitable. But he knew he couldn’t lie to himself forever. The truth has been staring in his face for so long, but he just always chose to forget it. The nights on the tour bus shared between them, the daily treks over to his house to work on songs even during the band’s time off, the shared looks, the childhood fantasies...jonny didn’t know if this meant he was gay, and frankly he couldn’t care less. All he could think about was the fact that all signs seemed to be pointing to one thing: it’s pretty safe to say that he was probably in love with Thom. This wasn’t a childhood crush, and jonny knew it was going to be hard to get over. But he had no choice. Sitting down defeatedly on the edge of the bed, jonny couldn’t help but feel sorry for himself knowing that he could never be with the person he truly loved. “Oh, don’t even waste your time thinking about that,” jonny chided himself. It was impossibility. Both were married, Thom was probably straight and all this could all backfire and ruin the band. No. He couldn’t risk it. He had to get over Thom, and the first step was facing him. It seemed like a rather daunting task, but jonny really knew no other way. Avoiding him would be useless, especially now during their recording sessions. So he saw no reason in prolonging the wait, and making his feelings last longer than they have to. Standing up and crossing the room in two long strides, jonny looked determined as he headed downstairs. Might as well get this over with before I chicken out and change my mind, he thought to himself. “Sharona. I’m gonna go see Thom for a bit. He seemed a bit upset before. I’ll be back in half an hour.” Without even waiting for a response, he walked across the foyer and stepped out. “Oh...okay!” sharona responded, rather puzzled herself. But she really couldn’t be bothered to get in a long conversation with jonny about Thom. She was too busy and was in a much too good of a mood to let it all go to waste. ------------------------------- Thom was running again, this time somehow much faster than before. The rich carpet of grass grew taller and thicker with each step. I have to get to that person. He could be in trouble. Thom thought to himself, his own feet picking up speed, as his thoughts grew more urgent. He could see the figure now, standing tall in the distance. Thom reached out for him as he pushed himself to run faster, his own lungs almost bursting with flames And just before Thom could touch the figure, he tripped and fell. But this time, the scenery changed abruptly at that very moment. And he was at the deserted beach again, watching the same woman sailing off in the distance. Thom felt like weeping. He didn’t know why but he felt himself collapse on top of the sand and burst into tears. He felt himself call out for her, but his own voice came out muted and silent, giving him no chance to find out who she was. The woman remained standing still on the decks of the boat, as if she was off in her own world completely isolated and unaffected by the outside world. “Thom!” Someone was calling out for him. Looking up, he scanned the horizon hoping for a sign of the girl looking in his direction, but instead he found the water was now devoid of any boats, of anything at all. He was still the only person on the beach as he heard the call again. “Thom!” Thom groaned and felt himself snap out of the dream. With his eyes still closed, he rolled over and tried to pull himself up. “Fuck, Thom. What happened to your hand?!” the voice seemed rather charged with emotion and Thom turned his head over towards the general direction of the voice. “Ehgggg” Thom managed to muster the sound. He wanted to open his eyes and find out who was talking to him but everything just seemed so much more difficult than usual. Attempting to lift his head again, Thom found it far too heavy for any sudden movements. Giving up, he fell back on top of the thick carpet and proceeded to drift back to sleep. “Thom, you can’t sleep now! We have to get that hand to a doctor. It looks ghastly.” the person stooped down to gather Thom in his arms, and proceeded to carry him over to a couch. “Ughhhhhhh” Thom felt himself struggle and kick a little. The carpet was far too safe and cozy for them to move so soon. “Stop that! This is serious business so stop acting like a child” A child. And that was all it took to set Thom’s mind back to earlier that evening, to Rachel’s reaction, her excuses, her accusations, her screaming voice directed at him. Christ, things are really fucked up now. Thom thought to himself. Staring down at his head, he suddenly recalled the melancholia that greeted him within the confines of his dream and started to cry. “Oh god. Thom. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be so insensitive. You must be in serious pain. Fuck it, why do I always have to be so incompetent.” jonny felt terrible and wanted to kick him. Allowing Thom to hang off of his shoulder, he practically dragged him to the couch. Jonny set him down, and then grabbed the first aid kit and a bottle of whiskey. “Here. Drink some of this. It’ll warm you up and numb the pain.” handing the bottle over to Thom, jonny immediately set out to clean the wound the best way he knew how before they set out for the hospital, knowing that it could take a while. Thom took a swig. “Jon, it’s not you. It’s me. God, everything’s gone to shit now.” with a downcast sigh, Thom lowered his head into his other hand. “Rachel’s up and left me for someone else now, and she fucking hates me.” and with that, the events of that night poured out, starting with his apprehension for the last few months, his suspicions and even snippets of what he remembered from those strange dreams. Jonny couldn’t believe it. The last time he had spoken to them, both have seemed utterly in love. Looking down at Thom’s hand, he knew that it was the result of Thom’s own heightened emotions. Jonny felt terrible for him, and pulled him into a warm embrace. In his own mind, jonny pushed out the nagging feeling of outright relief in knowing that Thom was now on his own. “Listen, Thom. I don’t really know what to say, except that she doesn’t deserve to have someone loyal like you after pulling a stunt like that.” “Do you really think so? I mean, she must have had a reason to turn to someone else. I know Rachel, she would never do anything like this without her own reasons.” Thom responded defensively. “Would this Rachel you know leave you bleeding and unconscious all alone in the house you have shared for the last 10 years?” jonny asked quite ironically, however quietly. Thom looked down at his hand. Feeling a panic attack coming on, he quickly buried his head in jonny’s shoulder and tried to shut out his own feelings of self-doubt and helplessness. Taking in his scent, Thom was momentarily comforted as jonny ran his hand soothingly down his warm back. “Thank you for this, jonny. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t found me.” Thom took another swig of his whiskey. “Ahhh, don’t worry your pretty little head about it. We must get you to the hospital now though. That cut looked terribly dangerous.” jonny patted the area, now cleaned and bandaged. “Looks like you did a pretty good job of it though” Thom smiled weakly at him and jonny could almost feel his heart squeeze. Turning to take the whiskey bottle out of Thom’s hand, jonny shyly mumbled a “thanks”. ------------------------------- “Well, it looks like your hand is good and ready to go. Your friend did a very good job taking care of the cut though.” The doctor dressed in white coat gestured at jonny, now sitting in one of the 3 plastic chairs in the hospital room. Having driven Thom to the hospital in the severe rain and then practically carrying him (now weak due to rapid blood loss) into the waiting room, jonny was now exhausted. He didn’t know how in the world he even lasted this long and still managed to pine over Thom. Admittedly, jonny was past the point of denial. He was completely and shamelessly in love with Thom. Just observing the way he reacted to everything Thom did was proof enough. The way the hair on his arms stood up whenever Thom looked at him, the overwhelming urge to sigh like a stupid girl every time Thom smiled at him, and the way his entire body heats up whenever Thom leans in to hug him. It was so horribly wrong to think about all this while Thom was going through this ordeal but jonny couldn’t help it. He longed for Thom with an ache he has never felt for sharona or for anyone. Jonny kept his gaze down as Thom continued talking to the doctor about care instructions. He didn’t know what to think about the whole thing. On the one hand, he felt awful for Thom and for what Rachel had done to him. His own need for Thom to be happy almost made him wish Rachel would just apologize and come back to him. But his desires for Thom, as well as his own convictions for how much better he could love him almost drove him to smile and laugh out of relief for this golden opportunity I’m such a jerk. Jonny thought to himself. He couldn’t believe that he was measuring his own best friend’s happiness, someone he supposedly loved against his own selfish wants. Attempting to shut off his mind completely, jonny looked up and focused on the conversation at hand. “...Because of your rapid blood loose, I’m prescribing these iron pills for the next month, as well as strict rest and diet. I trust your friend will take heed to these instructions and make sure you follow them?” “Oh jonny’s more anal about these things than my wife...” Thom’s voice trailed off and that same look of disappointment came back on his face. Jonny tried to catch Thom’s eyes and sent him a reassuring smile. He knew how it felt to be so helpless and alone. Each time, Thom had helped and encouraged him whether they were on the road or not. For that, jonny couldn’t forget it. He promised himself he’d take good care of Thom and be extra supportive. It’s the least he could do. In the mean time, jonny set out to forget about his own feelings for him and put them in the back of his mind until Thom was all better and clear-headed. It would be tough, but there was no room for his own selfishness at such a tumultuous time for Thom. ------------------------------- Thom looked at jonny out of the corner of his eye, his profile hard and unreadable. Jonny looked rather tense as he focused on the road and squinted his eyes to see through the heavy torrent of rain. He hadn’t spoken a word since they left the hospital. It was almost uncanny how hard he was actually concentrating on driving. Granted, the weather was wretched and it was pitch dark, but Thom found the silence rather alarming and far too uncomfortable. “Thanks again for tonight, Jon. I really appreciated it.” Thom reached out and touched his shoulder affectionately. He thought he felt jonny flinch a little but he wasn’t sure. “Ahhh. Don’t worry about it, Thom. And no more this nonsense about thanking me, I did everything anyone who saw you there would do.” jonny looked at him quickly. Thom thought he looked unusually red. “Listen, I know you’ve already done enough for me. But I don’t feel too good about being on my own tonight. I’d really love it if you kept me company. We could listen to old Miles Davis records and pretend we’re a couple of cool cats.” anything but alone, Thom thought silently. “Ermmm...I don’t think that’s such a good idea. I mean, sharona is on her own with tamir and I just wouldn’t feel good about leaving them alone tonight.” jonny looked away as his jaws tightened. “Oh.” Thom looked down at his hands disappointedly. Look like it’s just you and me tonight, he thought ironically. It’ll be okay. I can still listen to Miles Davis records... “I’ll stay” Thom’s thoughts were interrupted jonny’s voice, his face looking strangely bewildered. “Ahhh, Jon. I don’t want to keep you from your wife. It’s okay. I can call Colin or Ed. you go home to your wife” Thom didn’t want jonny to stay out of pity. “No. I want to. Besides. Colin and Ed are no good at cheering you up, not like I am.” Jonny turned to Thom and gave him a toothy grin. Thom couldn’t believe how happy he was. He missed just doing friends stuff with Jon. Most of the times, they just wrote music together or argued, especially recently what with Thom’s mood. For once, they could listen to music, talk and laugh like they used to during school and the band’s earlier days. Thom smiled back. ------------------------------- The sound of minor piano notes and syncopated bass lines filled the room as Thom and jonny tipped back yet another bottle of whiskey. Both were feeling especially tipsy, both were laughing far too loud. “Remember that time when Colin did his own little striptease on stage?! The guy thought he was such a fucking stud!” jonny laughed out loud as he recalled that day. Looking over at Thom, he felt like bursting with happiness at his friend’s smiling face and just being in his company. “I don’t know. I thought he could have passed off as a stud. Those girls in the front row certainly thought so!” Thom laughed. Jonny took another swig. A serious look passed over his face. “Thom, I’ve always wanted to ask you.” Jon looked down at his drink shyly. “Have you ever kissed a guy? And I don’t mean a cheeky kiss, instigated during one of your drunken states. I mean a real one.” Thom looked over at Jonny, surprised. “Uhhh….” “Oy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so forward. Gahh…forget I asked.” Jon quickly looked away, his altered state suddenly not so altered anymore. “Jon---“ “No, Thom. Whatever you were going to say, don’t bother. I’d rather be spared of my embarrassment.” Jonny dared looking up at Thom, with a deep flush on his face. Thom was flabbergasted. Through his drunken haze, he looked at Jonny as he awkwardly tilted back several shots of vodka, not without the protesting coughs that followed. He felt this strange sensation in his chest as he noticed the way Jonny’s Adam’s apple stirred when he swallowed his drink, the way his hair swished as he moved, the way his tongue glided over his full lips, and the way his cheeks flushed. Of course, it was no question his long-time friend was attractive, but Thom had never really seriously thought of being with him before, or with any man. That didn’t stop him from kissing his share of boys though, even if they were all just in good fun. This time was different, however; there were feelings involved. There was no doubt in his mind at that point that Thom loved Jonny more than anyone else in the world. Thom knew the answer to Jonny’s question. He’s never really kissed anyone out of any reason other than pure drunkenness. But as he gazed at Jonny, his own eyes full of love, Thom wondered what it’d be like to really kiss Jonny, drunken or not. Admittedly he was way past being just plastered, but he’d have to be completely brain-dead to deny everything Jonny has done for him, not just tonight but for the past 20 something years that they’ve known each other, and the heated attraction Thom felt towards him at times, especially now. Thom took a swig straight out of the bottle and then slammed it down, far too loudly. Jonny stopped mid-sentence, a startled look in his dark eyes. “Jonny, I want you to stop beating around the fucking bush and kiss me.” His voice determined, Thom all of sudden felt extremely sober. Jonny suddenly stood up, his eyes wild and his hands running nervously through his hair. “Thom, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. We’re both drunk, and anyway I told you to forget what I said. Maybe I -----“ He was stopped mid-sentence by Thom’s lips pressed firmly against his. Jonny didn’t know what to think. He was split between worrying about the consequences of such actions while drunk and just enjoying the moment. But as Thom’s soft tongue slipped past his moist lips, Jonny surrendered all thought and kissed him back with an intensity that shocked Thom. Bottles were pushed out of the way as Jonny concentrated all of the love and frustration he’s felt for Thom in one single mind-melting kiss. Neither of them even noticed when a whole bottle of red wine spilt over the white carpet of Thom’s living room. “Mmmmm…” Thom moaned as Jonny ran his long and agile fingers up and down his back. The sensation of his touch combined with Jonny’s full lips pressed against his own was enough to drive him crazy. This beats any kiss shared between Rachel and me. Thom thought. The thought strangely made him giggle. Jonny broke the kiss. “Urgghhhh…” Thom leaned in, obviously unhappy with the sudden break of lip contact. “What’s so funny?” Jonny had an odd look on his face; conflicting thoughts suddenly flooded his head, making his eyes appear cloudy and expression unreadable. “Nothing really, I was just thinking how much better of a kisser you are than Rachel,” Thom murmured, all the while standing on tiptoe so he could press his lips against Jonny’s cheek. Jonny suddenly stepped back, completely serious. “I don’t think this is such a good idea, Thom.” The embarrassed boy looked away and realized that the alcohol and the memory of Thom’s touch were making it difficult for him to concentrate. “I mean, it is partially my fault for bringing it up, of course. But it only means that I have to put a stop to this before either of us do anything we will regret later on.” “What are you talking about?” Thom said, a pout on his lips. “I want to do this, after all, it was me that kissed you first. Now stop being silly and come back over here” “No, Thom. We’re both plastered, Rachel just left you and there’s this whole other separate issues I need to deal with before we ever venture beyond friendship. I don’t want to leave you alone in this state, so maybe we should just go to bed now and forget about it.” Jon shifted from one foot to the other. Thom was thinking. While the grim thought of Rachel and everything that had went on that night came flooding back, he couldn’t help but think why on earth he had stuck by her for as long as he did. Sure, he was gone a lot, but that was part of the job and it’s something she’s always understood since the beginning. She never showed any sign of discontent or else Thom would have stopped everything to work things out. Instead, she just went on, hiding from him more and more throughout the years. And what was Thom to do? He tried so hard to reach out to her and to take as much time off as his line of work could allow, and what did she do in return? She carried on with other men. Thom suspected that this wasn’t the first time either. Of course, he couldn’t blame her for being lonely and sexually in need. After all, those feelings are almost inevitable when your own partner is never around. He only wished she could have voiced her own unhappiness much earlier to save them both the pain and the unpleasant break-up. Yeah, it would have been difficult to accept at first, but it certainly beat being deceived and lied to. His head completely clear, Thom glanced over at the beautiful younger Greenwood brother. He thought of all the things Jonny’s done for him and realized that they shared a love that was transcendent of anything he could ever share with Rachel, or any woman for that matter. No one knew him as well as Jon did, they shared something in being in this band, in pouring out their everything into their art and their faith in each other. No one shared his passion and zeal for music like Jonny did either, and ultimately Jonny knew---and loved---Thom’s ugly side, his obnoxious bouts and his constant moodiness. This was what was most amazing to him. Rachel couldn’t deal with it, and neither could anyone else he’s been with, but Jonny. He took it all in and embraced it with this fervor that overwhelmed him. Thom walked towards Jonny, who was now sitting down looking at everything in the room but him. Plopping down next to him, he grabbed Jonny’s hand and laced his own fingers around his. “Jonny, no amount of intoxicants could ever take anything away from how I feel for you. And the truth is, I love you and I want you, a lot. More than Rachel, more than anyone else.” “But how could you? You never mentioned being bisexual or anything…” “Oh, come on. You and I both know it’s pointless to distinguish and categorize sexual attraction. Fuck sexuality, I fall for who I want and it’s been you all these years.” “And what about Rachel?” “I’ll admit I’ll always find her incredibly beautiful. But in all the years we’ve been together, I’ve never desired her the way I desire you now.” Jonny smiled bashfully. “What’s with the sudden revelation?” “I guess I should thank Rachel. She gave me a good push in the right direction.” Thom paused and gazed at Jon intently. “What about you, I thought you were head over heels for Sharona?” “Thom, that’s something I’d rather not get into right now. I must prefer focusing on you.” Realization settled in Thom’s eyes as he recalled their earlier conversation. Letting it go once and for all, Thom lunged for Jonny with a devilish smile on his lips. ------------------------------- Jonny’s skin felt like it was burning. Wherever Thom’s fingers traveled to, he would leave a tiny reminder of how he made his body feel. He felt like screaming out and laughing all at once, but Jonny held it in, choosing to moan instead. He thought back to earlier that night with Sharona, how hard he had to concentrate in order to stay aroused, and how focused he had to be in order to show his non-existent attraction towards her. It was nothing like now…now, everything was effortless. No planning, no force, no divergence of thought and no phoniness, everything was real and unbelievably exciting. He couldn’t help but get lost in the moment, relishing in the taste of Thom’s lips, the feel of his hands all over his back and his arms. And for once, jonny didn’t feel he was lying with his body. This was a declaration of his truth; it was his body’s way of expressing brutal honesty in how he felt for Thom. Shaking his head, Jonny attempted a final time to push all foreign thoughts out of his mind. He untangled his fingers from Thom’s shaggy hair and allowed them to travel further down his face and neck. With his heart beating at a frightening speed and his breath coming out in ragged puffs, jonny felt completely uninhibited and taken over by his desires for Thom. Jonny wasn’t interested in feeling in control. Every cell in his body was screaming at him to seize this opportunity and to stay in the moment; he didn’t plan on allowing anything else, especially his conscience to step in. Jonny felt like a love-struck teenager after finally getting a kiss from his childhood crush, and perhaps he was. All he knew was that the man he’s been completely in love with all these years was confessing the same, and the giddiness that accompanied such a moment was elevating jonny's spirits to dangerous levels. Thom’s insides felt like everything was being sucked into the black void that was jonny’s kiss. Seductive and spinning completely out of control, Thom felt himself losing touch on everything in the outside world, apart from the touch and taste of jonny’s mouth on his own. His ears were ringing and his left arm was falling asleep from having stayed dormant behind jonny’s back, but he didn’t dare do anything that might disturb the kiss. Everything from the softness of his full lips to the wet warmth of his tongue and to the sharp teasing feel of jonny’s incisors was enough to liquefy every bone in Thom’s body. He leaned in closer to share some of the intense warmth radiating from jonny’s upper body and a deep moan escaped from his own lips. Practically in his lap, Thom’s little body writhed and turned in pleasure and anticipation, as jonny’s firm hands pressed into every spot on his back. When jonny’s lips left Thom’s quivering mouth for a fraction of a second only to travel in a torturous pace to his sensitive earlobes, Thom gasped in surprise as he felt something firm dig into his backside. His own arousal not much less apparent, Thom couldn’t help but think of all the things he could do to jonny’s growing cock. Twisting from jonny’s heated grasp, Thom suddenly stood up. As jonny gazed up at him wordlessly with his foggy bedroom eyes, lips still parted hungrily, Thom decided to throw caution to the wind and pulled his form-fitting blue shirt over his head. He reached down and lightly teased the side of jonny’s face as he pushed aside a strand of jonny’s dark hair. Then, it was as if time stopped for just a minute. With his hand poised above jonny’s head, Thom could do nothing but stare at him hypnotically. The room cackled with the electricity flowing between the two pairs of eyes and every movement and thought that existed during that instant of time seem to go black. Jonny’s mind seemed to have shut down as well along with every shot nerve in his body. But he didn’t care. He only had eyes for the ethereally perfect body before him. Almost as fast as it came, time started again. And Thom was all of a sudden on top of Jonny. He was embracing him with this renewed energy that could have knocked jonny off his feet if he wasn’t already seated. It was almost as if Thom was trying to catch up on all the time lost in the previous moments by doubling speed and momentum on everything. His kisses were now harder and faster, occasionally punctuated with small teasing bites, his touch was rougher and hungrier, even his breath was hotter. Jonny feared he might have been rushing things too much and gently pulled away. “Hey, hey, slow down, Thom. There’s no rush. We’ve got all night” he reassured Thom and then softly laid him on his back. Kneeling down besides him, Jonny shyly planted a kiss on the curve of Thom’s lower neck as his hands firmly held the small body in place. Jonny’s warm lips moved up towards Thom’s impatient lips, in almost a worshipful fashion. Meanwhile, Thom’s body began to quiver ever so slightly every time Jonny’s hot breath came in contact with his skin, and the quivers grew more and more apparent the further jonny guided his right hand down Thom’s torso. When jonny’s lips came to their destination, so did is hands. As he lightly grazed Thom’s pouty lips with his own, his hands started teasing the top button of Thom’s faded jeans. Not sure how far he would be permitted to go, jonny could only follow the moans and sighs of encouragement that escaped Thom’s throat. And judging by his moans, Thom was more than ready to take him on. Jonny pressed down on Thommy’s tingling lips, all the while breathing deeply against them. He slipped his tongue through the opening and began to swim inside his mouth, alongside Thom’s own tongue. Twisting and turning, he was literally massaging the other boy’s tongue. Jonny watched Thom as his body squirmed appreciatively; he rather liked having such power over the usually high-strung boy. “Oh, God Jonny, don’t stop.” Thom half whispered, half cried out as Jonny hungrily ate away at his mouth, his hands shoving down the zippers of his jeans impatiently. Jonny maneuvered his body so that he’s directly hunched over Thom’s body on the couch. His burning lips decided it was time to give the rest of the whimpering boy’s body a taste and began to kiss with excruciating lightness down his jaw line, his neck, and his throat. Now that Thom’s mouth was free, he was beginning to make the most wondrous sounds in response to every single kiss and touch Jonny delivered his way. His hands tickled Thom’s sides as they moved in circular motion over his ribcage, his waist and his tummy. Thom giggled, but they quickly turned into loud gasps as Jonny’s tongue made contact with his nipples. His entire body tingled as the warm tongue flicked over them, softly teasing and nibbling. Thom was in ecstasy. He didn’t know what to do with his hands and they were now digging painfully into the thick fabric of the couch. Jonny pretended he took no notice of this as he moved even further down, leaving wet kisses wherever he went. Moving one hand under Thom’s lower back, Jonny elevated his tummy so he could have more control over his movements. With his lips grazing the line of hair running from Thom’s bellybutton leading further down south, Jonny was on fire. When Jonny’s lips finally made it to the top of Thom’s pants, he suddenly stopped. Unsure of whether to continue or not, he looked at Thom with an expectant look on his face. Thom’s eyes were closed and his eyelashes were quivering with every rise and fall of his chest. His mouth was open in an adorable fashion while his pink tongue protruded slightly. Jonny couldn’t help but stare in awe at him. Looking at that beautiful face, it now seemed perfectly natural for him to be in love with him during all this time. Thom’s eyes fluttered open after what felt like an eternity. His entire body, not to mention his swollen cock protested at the feeling of Jonny’s lips no longer on him. “Why’d you stop?” Thom demanded, his voice thick with lust and sex. “Well, it’s just…. well, I mean, I dunno if I should…err” Jonny gave up; he seemed to have lost all ability to speak once he looked into those dark blue eyes. Looking down so he could avoid Thom’s hypnotic gaze, Jonny muttered “Are you sure you want me to continue?” Thom sat up with a jolt. Reaching out to run his fingers through Jonny’s soft hair, now damp with perspiration, Thom tilted his head up so he could surrender all to the pair of dark velvety eyes. “What do you think?” Thom practically purred. Leaning in closer, he graced Jonny with the sexiest kiss he’s ever had, practically eating away at his bottom lip like desert. Breaking away, Thom caught Jonny’s eyes. He stuck out his lower lip and pleaded. “Please, Jonny. I need you. No one turns me on like you do, and certainly no one makes him as hard as you do,” and with that, Thom displayed his most jaw-droppingly courageous side and freed his now painful erection from his pants. Jonny almost drooled when he saw Thom’s massive cock, traces of precum glistened at the tip. Thom leaned in, his lips brushing Jonny’s ears as he whispered seductively. “Oh, Jonny. I’d most appreciate it if you’d suck on my hard cock,” his voice slick with flattery and desire. Jonny almost melted right then and there. But he restrained himself for the second time that night, and instead just looked at Thom’s penis. His heart was beating so loud, he could hardly hear anything and he was sure his entire body was on fire. He didn’t care. Looking up at Thom for a final time with a smirk on his face, Jonny lowered his head. ------------------------------- For the first second, all Jonny could do was stare in quiet silence at Thom’s lower body, specifically his impressive member. He couldn’t believe that this was all happening, and the feelings that were coursing through his veins were enough to send him to la-la land for the rest of his life. But rather than surrendering his sanity, he chose to sacrifice his will instead, giving his all to showering desire and love in the form of kisses and licks to Thom’s cock. Unwilling to dive straight in, Jonny decided to tease Thommy a bit at first. Positioning his mouth directly one centimeter above Thom’s cock, Jonny’s mouth refused to move for a whole excruciating minute. His own body exhausted from the lust he felt for the boy lying underneath him, Jonny’s breath came out in huge gasps and puffs as opposed to his usual calming exhales. And with each hot pant, Thom would jerk a little, attempting to lean in a little closer. But Jonny always refused cruelly. It was as if all the sexual frustration he’s felt for the past year was building up and concentrated in this one minute, aiming straight at Thom’s penis, waiting to erupt. (stop) And with one final molten breath, Jonny enveloped Thom whole. Thom nearly passed out then. Jonny was working at him like a pro. Choosing not to indulge in any small gestures of passion such as kisses or licks, he was diving straight in for the main course. And what a meal it was. Jonny was sucking down on him so hungrily, Thom almost worried he would hurt himself. But he didn’t dwell on it. Jonny had never felt so good before in his life. The milky taste of Thom combined with his own euphoria was making him dizzy. The piece of flesh digging into his throat was burning hot, and with each suck and flick of the tongue, its temperature could only rise. “Godddddd…Jonny” Thom squeezed his eyes shut and screamed out. Grabbing onto Jonny’s gorgeous head of hair, Thom couldn’t feel anything except Jonny’s warm breath, his soft tongue and mouth over him. The sensation was making his whole body shake, covered in goose bumps. All he wanted was more, and soon his hips started thrusting into Jonny’s waiting mouth. “Oh, Thom, I’ve dreamed of this,” Jonny’s mumbled as he continued to work at him. He took all of him into his mouth, the tip pushing into the back of his throat causing his gag reflex to work overtime. But he didn’t care. He felt like he couldn’t get close enough to him, couldn’t get enough of him. At that point, nothing would have made him happier than to make Thom come. Jonny could feel Thom’s muscles tensing up, and felt even more fired up knowing he could make him react this way. He quickened his pace and started teasing him lightly with his teeth. The sharp pain mixed with the intense pleasure was enough to drive Thom crazy. He felt himself pumping harder and faster into Jonny’s mouth, his limbs completely operating on their own with an animal-like lust. Jonny could barely swallow and trails of Thom’s precum mixed with his own saliva was running down his cheek. Didn’t matter though, nothing could dissuade Jonny from making Thom happy. And then he was off. Thom felt like he was flying in a hot air balloon above a massive fire. The heat was so intense, and his spirits was soaring so high, he felt like he must have to have died multiple times during the last few moments. He couldn’t help but cry out, fresh tears squeezing out of his eyes. Somewhere from the back of his mind Thom could feel that he was grasping Jonny’s hair with a death grip. Looking down at the top of Jonny’s head with his eyes barely open, he brought his hands down to Jonny’s shoulder and softly began to rub. Jonny took it all in. Thom tasted like a mixture of sweetness, sweat and sex. It blew him away the effect he had on him, that after all these years, it was really him that made Thom scream. Desperate to drink it all down, Jonny greedily sucked him dry, licking up the remains running down the inside of Thom’s thighs and trailing down his own cheek. Suddenly he felt a pair of hands rubbing his exhausted limbs. He pulled one to his lips and planted a soft, tantalizing kiss inside the palm. Rising up, Jonny reached for Thom and was quickly pulled into a tight embrace. Thom kissed Jonny’s now swollen lips and tasted his own essence mixed with the other boy’s. Light-headed and dizzy, Jonny let out a long sigh as Thom started petting his damp hair. He felt his muscles begin to relax. But he didn't stay that way for long. Still, he couldn't help but jump a little when Thom’s lips reached his ears and let out a low growl. “You know what would be absolutely delightful right now?” As Thom asked the question, Jonny was beginning to become painfully aware of his own still burning erection pushing against his pants. Thom trailed his fingers down Jonny’s torso, towards his trouser buttons. “Whh—uhh—what?” “I think I’d really love it if you’d take me from behind and fuck me silly right about now.” ------------------------------- Jonny couldn’t believe it. Just earlier that day, he had been resorting to jacking himself off in the shower in order to satisfy his own terrifying lust for Thom. And now, that same enchanting boy was offering himself in the most sexual and carnal way to him. Jonny thought of pinching himself to make sure he was conscious and not stuck in one of his regular dreams about Thom, but decided against it, not wanting to appear foolish. He bit down on his now swollen tongue instead, drawing blood and heightening his desires. Gasping, Jonny looked up at Thom with a lazy smile on his face. “Nothing would satisfy me more than to thrust my cock into you,” Jonny spoke up, his tone unusually brash. This intriguing change in the boy’s demeanor was enough to make Thom’s freshly juiced cock hard again. Jonny suddenly felt a hard jab in his lower backside and looked up at Thom with a smirk. “Don’t get too excited now. I’m doing the honours.” With both hands pushing himself up, Jonny stood up and waited for Thom to follow suit. The sight of Thom’s lean body and dangling cock was driving him rabid. Eyes wild and body pumping pure adrenaline, Jonny crept up behind Thom and breathed heavily into his ears. “You’re sure of this, my dear Thommy? Because once I’m inside you, I’m afraid I won’t ever get enough of you.” Thom pulled Jonny’s hands around his slim waist, drawing one down to his rock hard cock. Guiding his long fingers up and down his shaft, Thom whispered back slyly. “What do you really think?” Fireworks went off in Jonny’s head as his heart and lungs simultaneously began to jump at a rapid rate. Everything he’d ever wanted was coming in full circle, and Jonny was afraid that his fear, his aggression, his frustration, his anticipation, his blood-boiling desire and mostly his love would somehow make him combust. Using one of his hands to stroke Thom’s burning loins at an even faster rate, and running the other one seductively down the side of his thighs, Jonny barely noticed when his body started grinding against Thom’s backside. It was like his body had taken a mind of its own, acting purely on lust and animal instinct. Thom’s breath began to quicken as he felt his behind being lightly prodded by Jonny’s enormous erection. He raised his head and curved his neck so that he was leaning on Jonny’s left shoulder, and started moaning profusely at the touch of Jonny’s swollen lips grazing his burning neck. With each tantalizing kiss, Jonny stroked harder, his touch grew rougher. He slipped his tongue past his lips and extended it to lightly flick over Thom’s Adam’s apple. Meanwhile, Thom was finding it increasingly hard to breathe, his mind losing its focus as his body became struck with senses coming from all sides; a grope here, a lick there. A swirl of colours expanded behind his eyelids as he began to feel another orgasm coming on. His breath became shorter, heartbeat faster and his cock began to quake ever so slightly. Then all of a sudden Thom was slammed violently against the couch, his body now cold and on fire at the same time without Jonny’s satisfying touches. He gasped out in pain, and quickly reached his hand down to his aching cock to soothe its desperate needs. Thom vaguely recalled the sound of Jonny’s heavy pants behind him. Restraining himself, Jonny eyed Thom’s smooth behind, almost porcelain in colour and texture. Not touching him with his hands, Jonny bent over and planted a light kiss on his left cheek. Then noticing Thom’s beating arms, he quickly pulled them away from his awaiting cock and bound them behind him, not wanting him to come to quickly. “Not yet, my sweet.” Jonny whispered in his ear and left a tiny bite there. Gliding his fingers down Thom’s quivering arms until he reached his own cock, now so rigid, it looked like the slightest movement could set it off, Jonny began to lightly tease it until precum was seeping out like a drippy tap. Licking his own hand and then mixing it with his precum, his cock soon became slick with lubrication. Thom was now panting so hard, he was sure that was the only sound audible in the entire house. The anticipation was driving him insane and he was unconsciously drooling onto the couch arms. The room smelled thickly of sex and sweet testosterone. And for a few moments, all that could be heard was the quiet moaning of the two lovers, and the slick sound of Jonny’s hand stroking himself. But all of a sudden, the room came alive with the sound of their respective screams as Jonny shoved himself willfully into Thom’s waiting ass. “GOOODDD…JONNY” Thom squeezed his eyes shut as the sensation overpowered his entire being. The feeling of being filled up to the brim by Jonny’s massive cock, ripping his ass apart mercilessly was making Thom shout out all sorts of obscene things. The pain was so unbearable that Thom considered making Jonny pull out. But he didn’t dare, knowing what would be in store for him once the pain subsided. Jonny was indeed in La-la land. Everything in his life up until this point seemed to have been in preparation for this: loving Thom with an overwhelming and suffocating need. It felt so right to be there, inside him, enveloping him and kissing him all over. Jonny gasped out loud. “Thom….ahhh, you feel soo unbelievably good on the inside,” He managed to get out, panting and moaning all the while. Thom’s tight backside was pulling at Jonny’s foreskin, and the sensation was so above and beyond anything he’s ever felt, he couldn’t help but feel sinful and dirty. Of course, this only made him even hornier. Reaching down to grab unto Thom’s firm hips, Jonny started to push in and out of him, following a slow rhythm as he eased further and deeper into Thom’s core. Wanting to soothe his tense muscles, Jonny started massaging Thom’s thighs, relaxing him and opening himself up. As Jonny’s magical touch moved from the outside of his thighs to the inside and ultimately the two mounds of flesh sandwiching Jonny’s stiffened cock, Thom felt himself go, loosening up and softening. “That’s my boy” Jonny laughed into the back of Thom’s head, into his soft hair. Grabbing unto his hips again, Jonny felt free to begin pushing in faster and deeper. Testicles knocking and the legs bumping, Jonny would only be tempted to quicken his pace with each thrust. “Jo—nn-yyyyy……more, more, I need more” Thom screamed out, his fingernails digging into the couch arms. “Jesus, it feels so fucking good. Keep going. Faster, faster, haaaa---rderrrrrrr” Jonny happily obliged. Slamming into him in wild abandon, Jonny decided to throw all worries out of his head and just let his desire carry him. All he wanted was to pound into Thommy, to feel his every crack and orifice. Reaching his right hand down to service him, Jonny started to beat at Thom’s painful erection. Licking up and down his upper back, Jonny wrapped his other arm around Thom’s small tummy to steady himself and control his movements. Sharp and brutal, Jonny pounded into him just like Thom requested: harder and faster. With each of his earth-shattering thrusts, Thom is pushed further into the couch, which caused Jonny to cry out in satisfied dominance. The tightness of Thom’s ass was rushing all of Jonny’s cum to the tip of his cock, and he knew it was only a matter of time before the floodgates would open. “Jonny, you fucker. Use me, fuck me; I need you to cum inside me, all over my body. I want to be covered in your juice. Gaaaaaaaaaaddd” Thom’s eyes fluttered as he allowed the waves of pleasure to take control of his limbs. At the sight of Thom’s imminent orgasm, Jonny let himself go and soon he felt his entire body begin to shake. He was shooting deep within Thom as Thom himself started cumming all over Jonny’s hands. Wanting to fulfill Thommy’s request, Jonny quickly pulled out before he finished cumming completely and shot the rest of his load all over Thom’s back. Utterly exhausted, the two glistening bodies collapsed on top of the couch as the sun rose outside their window. Jonny leaned in to plant a soft kiss on Thom’s jaw and started nuzzling the side of his neck. “Where the fuck did you learn to do that?” Thom looked over at the boy, who now had an angelic expression on his face. “Who, me?” Jonny giggled and soon fell into Thom’s arms for the best sleep he’d had in years as the morning sun reared its head just outside Thom’s living room window. ------------------------------- Thom woke to the sound of water. His eyes still glued shut and all of his senses still fogged by sleep, he struggled to pull himself up and regain his vision. With his eyes still closed, he could vaguely picture huge waves crashing against the shores of an unnamed empty beach judging by the sounds that entered his ears. Thom reached for his eyes and proceeded to rub them until they managed to open. And he was shocked at what greeted him. What lay in front of him was the same beach he’s been dreaming about for the past six months. Wildly vivid and colourful, the blue-green waves shuddered with each ebb and flow of the sea. The air was thick with ozone as if it’s just rained, and Thom reached out to touch it, to feel if this was all real. But nothing suggested otherwise. He thought he was going crazy and had absolutely no recollection of any of the events that led up to this point. A brisk wind was coming through, and Thom couldn’t help but wrap his arms around his own body to retain whatever warmth was left. As his vision cleared some more, Thom could make out a tiny dot grazing the edge of the horizon. As predicted, the beach was empty, almost lifeless in its vast expanses. He stepped closer to where land meets the sea, and leaned his body forward to get a better look of the form. It appeared to be moving, in what direction, Thom still couldn’t tell. He pondered wading through the water to get a closer view, but thought better of it as he felt the water would be brittle cold. But soon Thom realized there was no need, as he noticed the form was getting bigger, closing in on the distance between them. Thom couldn’t quite understand why he wanted so desperately to know what exactly that dot was; he’d now almost completely forgotten about the details of his torturous dreams. There seemed to be this nagging feeling in the back of his head that told him things weren’t quite right, and that he had misplaced all common sense sometime last night. With his heart pounding in anticipation and his bare toes curled in half-fear, half-excitement, Thom tried with all his might to push such thoughts out of his head. A strange sound suddenly shattered through the silence. It sounded like a cross between a shrill female call and a deep-throated groan. Thom winced as both ends of the sound frequency hit his ear, his unease increasing as time went on, and as the figure got closer. The sound seemed to be coming from the form, which only further puzzled Thom. The afternoon sun was starting to glare into his eyes, much to his annoyance. Thom raised his left hand and turned it palm-down, holding it against his forehead attempting to block out the blinding rays. Nothing seemed to change much at first, but all of a sudden, it was like the sun had disappeared behind his hand and all was clear in front of his vision. It was a woman, a beautiful one at that. Her dark hair whipped in the brisk wind, and her stunning profile partly shadowed by the diminishing of the sun’s rays. Thom felt rather flustered and didn’t know what to do with himself. Deciding to turn around and gather his composure, Thom took a few deep breaths and fussed with his hair for a bit. This was rather bizarre behaviour, even for him. Here was a complete stranger on some unknown beach, and all Thom could do was worry about his appearance? He stopped and told himself to calm down. Turning around to face the water once again, Thom gazed intently at the mysterious female. Despite the distance between them decreasing, Thom still couldn’t see her face any clearer. He strangely thought to himself that he should recognize her, but everything still seemed completely new to him. Frustrated, Thom held his breath and stepped into the icy water hoping a different angle and closer look will quicken recognition. “Fuck, that’s cold!” Thom cried out softly to himself as he stepped in, the Arctic-like water nipping at his toes. He clenched his teeth tightly until they were grinding against each other and took further steps into the open sea. Almost stumbling twice, Thom managed to catch himself both times before he could fall into the unwelcoming water. Finally settling on a spot, Thom stood still and squinted in the direction of the woman, now closer than ever before. To his utter chagrin, her face was still hidden. Considering just leaving and looking for some clue as to how he got here instead of wasting his time staring at a stranger, Thom stooped down to gather his pant legs before making his way back to the shore. But Thom was stopped short by that same eerie sound, much louder this time. Startled, he looked up to see what could possibly be making that sound. And what he saw shook him to the core as he fell into the freezing water. It was Rachel standing on the white boat, her dress flying in the wind and her expression unrecognizable. Thom’s heart started racing at a dangerous rate as he struggled to pull himself up. But her hypnotic gaze seemed to hold him in place, and soon he just gave up and stayed shivering in the water. Thom’s eyes grew wide as he saw her mouth open and the same guttural sound came out. After several more surreal cries, Thom realized that the sound wasn’t merely random sounds generated from deep with her; she was calling his name. The sound simply became distorted somehow as it traveled through the dense, chemically thick air. For the life of him, Thom didn’t know how to react. The comforting feelings of euphoria and sweet familiarity that usually accompanied images of his partner were not present. All he could do was stare forlornly at her as he sat cold and wet in the foamy sea. “Thom.” And there goes that voice again. Except this time, she was reaching out for him with her slender arms, the ends of her fingers close enough to touch. Thom looked up at her, his pink lips slightly parted as if in awe. Not believing everything that was happening, he looked down and rubbed furiously at his eyes, trying to process the dreamlike events. Returning his gaze, Thom saw she hadn’t moved an inch and could only stare in confusion as she smiled wistfully at him. “Thom?” No sound came out this time; he could only see lip movements as the crashing waves disguised her voice. Thom raised his left hand slowly, wanting to touch her warm hands. But something stirred in her black eyes as he reached out for her, and suddenly he is struck with an intense, but unreasonable fear. Thom shrunk away, bearing the cold as he crouched further into the suffocating embrace of the sea. The tide was coming in, and already the water level had risen. He barely noticed it as it swallowed his lower torso completely, his eyes still locked on hers. Realizing Thom had inadvertently rejected her, Rachel turned away, her expression unchanged as her body retreated back fully onto the boat. Looking up at her as she turned his back to him, Thom couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of defeat. Sighing deeply, he sensed that the weight of the water was burying him, and surprisingly he looked forward to it. As Thom watched her sail away, maybe it was the rising of the water, or maybe it was the sight of her beautiful face before backing away, but he felt something go through him like an electrical shock and everything came back. He remembered every single detail of his recurring dreams, and worse, every single detail of the night before. He remembered the way she stared at him accusingly, the sound of the other man’s voice, and her words “I hate it here”. Then, there was Jonny. Loving him and being there for him. Thom didn’t want to hurt him, but he realized now how foolish it was to rush into things so quickly, and how volatile his emotions are right now. He felt something intense for Jonny, and the height of it was probably enough to drive him crazy for the rest of his life. But I can’t. What will everyone think? Thom let out a helpless cry. Pulling himself up so he was on all fours, Thom watched her sail away just like in his dreams, his heart pulled apart in all directions. I can’t do this. I have to get her back. Thom thought to himself, and fought against the weight of the water as he managed to stand. His legs felt as if they’ve turned all rubber as he started wading through the water. The sea swallowed his entire body from the waist down, and Thom decided to brave the cold and swim instead. He jumped in, all the while calling out Rachel’s name. But it was pointless. The rising tide was too much for Thom’s frail body and soon he found himself coughing and sputtering, struggling against the water. Thom watched helplessly as Rachel’s boat became nothing more than a dot again. Tears stinging his eyes and the salty seawater pervading his mouth and his nose, Thom wanted to just collapse and become one with the merciless sea. “Thom!” A male voice suddenly broke through the calm, and a startled Thom fought to stick his head above the water so he could see who it was. The voice sounded close but there was no one visible in the water. Thom scanned the shores, and it was empty, just as before. “Thom!” There it was again, and a frustrated Thom let out a low growl. Thrashing about in the water, he barely noticed as a pair of hands took him by the shoulder and started gently shaking him. “Eurghhhhhh” Thom groaned against the disturbance. “Thom, wake up!” What? Snapping his eyes open, Thom all of a sudden found himself in a large room with immensely high ceilings. His breath coming out in sharp puffs, and his body completely dry, Thom couldn’t understand where he was or how he got there. “Thom! Thom! Look at me.” It was that voice again, this time much closer. Thom’s eyes tried to adjust to the bright lights coming in through the windows. His head pounded and his limbs were lead-heavy. He’d never been so disoriented in his life. Warm fingers found their way to Thom’s face, and the touch somehow made him feel safe. It was soft and rough and smooth all at the same time, and Thom felt a shiver go up and down his back. Several more minutes passed and Thom could feel that he was calming down. Looking questioningly all around the room, he soon realized where he was. Lying next to him was Jonny, looking concerned and beautiful. Thom studied his face, his shiny hair, his dark eyelashes, his glittering eyes, his strong jaw line and those lips, those amazing lips. And he felt loved and in love, just for that moment. Falling back into Jonny’s arms, Thom snuggled up close and sighed. “Jonny, I had the most awful dream.” “Yeah, I know. I heard you whimpering in your dream” Jonny planted a tiny kiss on Thom’s forehead, all the way rubbing his shoulders soothingly. “I was drowning, you know? The water was so cold, and there was a boat and her. God…” Thom buried his head in his hands and felt tears seeping through his eyes. Blinking furiously, the last thing he wanted now was to cry. “Her?” Jonny heard something break in Thom’s voice and knew there was more to the dream than that. He didn’t want to pry, but having Thom mention a ‘her’ couldn’t help but worry him. “Oh, Jonny, I dunno. It doesn’t matter anyway, it was just so incredibly frightening.” “Are you sure? I mean, this girl…who was she? It sounds----“ Jonny was suddenly cut off by the sound of phone ringing. “I should probably get that. It might be Noah.” Pulling himself up, Thom reached for the phone. “Hello?” “Thom?” It was Rachel. And Thom almost panicked. “H-hhi-i” Thom responded, barely gathering his composure. “Where are you?” “It doesn’t matter.” She pulled in a shuddering breath, as if trying hard not to cry. “You’re at his place, aren’t you?” “I said, it doesn’t…..fuck, Thom, stop being difficult.” Thom could hear her voice breaking, and couldn’t help but feel protective. “What’s wrong?” “Shit, Thom, I can’t believe the mess I’ve got myself into.” “Rachel, what’s happened?” Thom all of a sudden felt something was very wrong, and pulled himself from Jonny’s suffocating embrace. “Nothing, nothing. I just…I just really want to come home.” Taking a short breath, she continued. “I’m sorry, for the way I acted, the way I walked away, and the way I hurt you and Noah. God, I’ve hurt you so badly,” She cried softly into the phone. “How’s your hand?” “It’s okay.” Thom couldn’t bear to hear her, the life sucked out of her voice. He paused. “Are you sure nothing’s happened?” “Thom, I’d really rather not get into it right now. I just need to come home and be with you. I mean, I really really love you. I dunno what’s gotten into me lately.” “It’s okay.” Thom wanted to comfort her, and to take back everything that’s happened since yesterday. “Do you need me to come and get you?” “Yeah, that’d be great. Meet me in front of the book shoppe.” “Okay, I’ll see you in a bit.” “I love you.” Thom paused. “I love you too.” ****************************************************************** Thom clicked the phone off and stood there for another minute or so, afraid to turn around and face Jonny. All the while Jonny could feel his insides breaking. He couldn’t believe everything that’s happened and everything he felt for Thom was just a waste, and that ultimately he was nothing more than a good fuck. He wanted to scream at him, to shake some sense into him and to beg him to be his, but Jonny knew it’d be pointless. Thom was gone; he’d fallen back into the arms of a woman who couldn’t even stay faithful to him. He deserved better, but Jonny couldn’t stand around pathetically waiting for him to realize this. Jonny didn’t want to look at him, he couldn’t bear having Thom see him so defeated and destroyed. Rushing to put his clothes on, Jonny kept his head down so his hair would mask the pain in his eyes. Still with his back to him, Thom spoke. “Jonny, I’m really sorry. But she’s ----“ Jonny cut him off. “Don’t bother, Thom. It was a mistake, and I understand.” Keeping his voice steady and emotionless, Jonny stood up and gathered his stuff. “I’ll see you later.” With the slam of the door, Jonny was gone. Running at a lightening pace down Thom’s street, he yearned for the cold air to dry the hot tears now running down his cheeks. ****************************************************************** Thom stood in front of the window for another 5 minutes. His head was swimming with conflicting thoughts and feelings, and he hated himself for hurting Jonny like that. But what was he supposed to do? This was the mother of his child, the woman he’s loved for 15 years. He couldn’t just throw it all away with a flicker of a hand for whatever it was he had with Jonny. Thom always thought it was just a small infatuation, even from the first time he met him, but was it really? He recalled the events from last night and the things they’d done, the things they’d said. He knew that Jonny loved him, but what about him? Did he love him as well? Yes. Of course he did. If Thom believed in soul mates, which he didn’t, but if he did, Jonny would be it. He was his better half, the one who always knew what he was thinking, and the one whose mere presence was enough to comfort him. But Thom also firmly believed that a soul mate doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic one either. Was his interest in Jonny romantic? He racked his brain but things were so overwhelmingly confusing, he soon gave up. All he knew was that last night was the most amazing and beautiful he’d ever seen Jonny, and it felt right. It was right. But Thom couldn’t. He refused to destroy his family life, and Jonny’s family life at that. They both had wonderful wives and children, and things were frankly too important to be thrown away for something as volatile as what he felt for Jonny. He knew Jonny didn’t feel that way right now, but he would make him see it, make him understand. Glancing over at a photo of Rachel playing with Noah, Thom knew he had to get his life back on track for his family. He grabbed his keys, and was soon out the door. ------------------------------- Jonny’s day was a blur of repeated disappointments. Having gotten home to a bewildered Sharona, he barely kissed Tamir hello before locking himself in his makeshift studio in the attic of his house. Grabbing his worn-down guitar and immediately plugging it into the amp, Jonny let loose the anger, the frustration, the regret and ultimately the deep intense sadness he felt since last night unto the familiar instrument. He had no intention of writing songs or playing already-composed ones; he simply played whatever came to mind. Powerful and passionate, the music spoke out loud the misery he was in, whether in the form of a thrashy rock song or a melancholic blues piece. It was as if there were ghosts in that room, springing forth from Jonny’s fingers as it flowed through the strings and into the amp. Jonny played for hours, never stopping and would increase the intensity every time he felt his eyes grow damp. He refused to cry, to physically show the world how much Thom had wounded him. But a person can only play so long, and soon enough Jonny’s fingers began to throb. There were tiny cuts all over the tips, and to be honest, the euphoria he had felt when he first came into the room to play was beginning to wear off. Carelessly tossing it aside, Jonny walked to his stereo and popped in the nearest CD he could find. It was a mixed CD, that much he knew. Hoping it was that Captain Beefheart compilation Cozzie had made him, Jonny settled on the piece of shag carpet placed directly under the only window in the room. A few familiar acoustic guitar chords filled the room just as Jonny began to feel slightly more relaxed on the comfortable floor. With intense panic, Jonny realized what the CD was and rushed over to the stereo immediately to shut it off. It was the demo of True Love Waits Thom had recorded and given him to listen to a few years back. How it landed on top of his mixed CD pile, Jonny had no idea. All he could think about was stopping it so he didn’t have to hear the tenderness, the raw and naked emotion in Thom’s voice. Jonny recalled with painful regret that the way Thom had spoken to him the night before contained that same longing. But it wasn’t real. Jonny couldn’t help but feel harsh resentment in the fact that Thom could be completely sincere on CD, yet could not connote any form of honest feeling for him. Standing in front of the stereo, Jonny stood for what seemed like hours, mesmerized by his voice and everything he could feel resonating from the room. Angry with himself for withstanding it for as long as he had, Jonny finally reached over and angrily stabbed the “Off” button. Collapsing onto the hardwood floor, Jonny sobbed. ****************************************************************** It was 5pm and Thom had been standing in front of the book shoppe for nearly 45 minutes. Haunted by the events of last night, Thom could barely think straight as he paced in front of his car. On top of things, Rachel was extremely late and Thom didn’t know if she was even okay. By the sound of things on the phone, she had seemed preoccupied and he’d be kidding himself to think she had decided to come back without some sort of push. Something must have happened, but what? And even if he knew, would it really change how he felt for her? Deep in thought, Thom barely noticed his partner approaching the car. Stopping for a moment just to drink in his appearance, Rachel couldn’t help but feel intense remorse for the way she’d handled things. “Thom.” Thom looked up, a startled look on his face. “Hey.” He greeted her, surprised at how meekly he sounded. She smiled and reached for him. Silent and graceful, Thom couldn’t help but stare at her as she wrapped her slender arms around him. “Let’s go home” She whispered in his ear and then led him to the car. ****************************************************************** Thom was silent the entire ride home. His head was screaming all sorts of questions, but he had no idea where to begin and what to say to her. So he just settled on fiddling with the CD player as Rachel drove, looking for some appropriate music to play. But nothing seemed right; everything was either too loud or too quiet. Frustrated, Thom turned on BBC Radio and slumped in his seat, looking out into the quiet and misty Oxford streets leading up to their country home. “Thom, it’s over.” Thom turned to her with a surprised look in his eyes. “What’s over?” “Me and him. It’s over.” Taking a deep breath, Rachel went on. “I did a lot of thinking and I realized I couldn’t sacrifice what I have with you and Noah. It was foolish and terrible of me to do that to you both, and I’m truly sorry.” Ignoring her apology, Thom went on with a determined tone in his voice. “Who ended it?” “What?” “Who ended it, Rachel? Was it you or him?” Rachel stuttered, her words losing momentum. “We-ell, Thom, d-does it matter? I mean, for fuck’s sake, I’ve apologized already. What more do you want from me?” Thom stared at her, completely speechless. “I don’t fucking know what to say. I mean, here I thought you’ve come back for me and Noah out of genuine intentions, but really it’s just because he broke things off with you and you need us now so you don’t have to be alone!” “Thom, it’s not like that at all. I need you and I really really don’t want to lose you. Whether I broke things off with Nick or he did it to me is irrelevant. If the situation is really how you described it, I could have easily just gone off and found someone else or stayed alone, without you. But I’m here now, asking for your forgiveness. Can’t you give me that much? Not even for Noah?” And she looked at him, that look she used every time she wanted something from him. Thom knew he’d been had. Besides, wasn’t he just telling himself he needed to get his family back earlier that day? “You’re right.” Thom reached out and touched the patch of soft skin between her jaw line and neck. Overjoyed, Rachel took one hand off the steering wheel and grabbed his slender fingers, squeezing them warmly. They had arrived at a strip of empty path about 10 minutes from their home. Without warning, Rachel suddenly pulled over to the side of the road and turned off the engine. “What are--” Thom’s protest was stopped by Rachel’s warm lips landing squarely over his mouth. Kissing him passionately, she pushed her tongue into his wet mouth and unbuckled her seatbelt to get closer. She ran her fingers through Thom’s thick hair and intensified the kiss, all the while breathing deeply through her nose out of pleasure. And as quickly as the kiss had started, it suddenly ended as Rachel pulled away. “Thom, I want to make love.” Caught completely off-guard, Thom could barely piece together a coherent sentence. “H-ere-e?” “Why not?” She grinned with a devilish gleam in her eyes behind the thick curtain of eyelashes. Thom didn’t know what to say. Having just barely reconciled with Rachel, he couldn’t help but think it was much too fast, especially considering what he had done the night before and how euphoric it had made him feel. Thom reckoned he should wait a while to get back into the swing of things; he didn’t even know how it would feel after everything and frankly, if he could even perform. But as much as she’d hurt him for the past while, he still didn’t want to disappoint her. “Uhhhhh” He answered dumbly, “Thom, honey, don’t fret. Just sit back and enjoy it. I’ll do anything to make this a pleasant experience for you. Considering everything I’ve done, it’s only fair I make it up to you, no?” Without waiting for an answer, Rachel reached for the seat adjuster and pushed it all the way down. She climbed over to where he was sitting and straddled him roughly, groping for the buttons of his shirt and savagely unbuttoning each and every one of them, smothering his lips with urgent kisses all the while. Desperation seeping through her pores into her every action, Rachel was determined to make Thom feel the happiness she’s deprived of him for so long. She needed it, she needed Thom to be okay, and nothing else was really worth thinking about. With her mouth still over his, her tiny hands left trails all over his chest, now left bare by the removal of his shirt. Her tongue slithered in and out of Thom’s awaiting lips and soon he began to shift in his seat, getting comfortable for whatever that would await him. Pushing all of her on top of him, she intensified the kiss for a brief moment, slowly caressing his tongue before coming up for air and letting out a soft moan. Her molten eyes burning into him, Thom could only gulp down his apprehension and allow her to take him however she wanted. Gazing down at his already-hardened erection, she practically purred before flicking her tongue over several particularly sensitive spots on his neck. Feeling her soft hair grazing his chin, Thom closed his eyes and tightened his arms around her, firmly pressing his palms all over her back, ascending and descending, then ascending again. It didn’t take Thom long at all to push all worries and fears out of his mind and soon he was lost in Rachel’s warm embrace. Rachel continued half-kissing, half-licking his skin as she made her way down his chest. Lightly circling the sensitive nubs, her hot breath teased each one until they hardened. With one mouth sucking on his left nipple, she reached her right hand over and softly squeezed the other one. Thom was thrashing about, his mouth open and gasping in unbelievable pleasure. Both eyes still closed, he took all of his energy and focused it on just feeling her touch, her kisses and her energy. Before soon, her mouth had arrived at his naval. Pausing briefly with her lips still apart and her mouth slightly open, she let out a happy sigh before reaching for his trouser buttons. Unzipping his jeans at an excruciating pace, she finally reached underneath and released his aching cock from inside the constricting material. She stopped and looked at it, hard and engorged, its pulsing head was now leaning tautly against his flat belly. Drinking in the beautiful sight of his lust, Rachel moved her hands around the outside of his thighs before pushing them apart. She bowed her head and lowered her head until her mouth engulfed the whole upper-half of his massive erection. Thom gasped out, tiny whimpers passing through his lips as he felt the sudden warmth of Rachel’s mouth moving over his throbbing penis. She was massaging the insides of his thighs all the while, and the touch was sending shivers over his entire body. With his eyes still squeezed shut, Thom could feel that she was trailing her tongue up and down the side of his shaft, sucking gently at the foreskin and swallowing any sweet juices that may have escaped his cock. All of a sudden, Thom could feel his whole cock being swallowed whole, bathing in the warmth of Rachel’s mouth. He screamed out, feeling completely out of control as his cock entered in and out of her. This urge to thrust into her, to fuck her mouth came over him and he was about to shift his pelvis before something told him to stop. The truth was, he didn’t want to hurt her and sexually speaking, he’d never been that rough with her before, nor did he ever feel open doing so. Not like the way it was with Jonny. Oh God. All movements, all thoughts stopped at that instant. With his hands still in Rachel’s hair, Thom suddenly remembered what it had felt like the night before when Jonny took him in his mouth and how absolutely free and uninhibited he felt. It was amazing, and something had made him forget it, maybe it was the unexpected phone call, maybe it was the bizarre dream. But now that he recalled it, it was as if everything seemed to pale in comparison. Every touch, every feeling, every sensation seemed somehow less than what it was with Jonny. Even Rachel’s mouth all of a sudden felt like sandpaper. The ecstasy he was in just moments ago was turning into the ugliest form of pain he knew. And with one final flicker of her tongue, Thom couldn’t take it any longer and instinctively shifted his lower body so his cock was no longer in Rachel’s mouth. He took her gently by the arms and pulled her towards his upper body, trying to appear inconspicuous and loving, not to mention still aroused. The truth was he had no idea what to say to his partner, or even how to act around her now that he realized how hard it would be to prevent whatever-the-fuck he felt for Jonny from ever standing in the way of rebuilding his family life. “Thom! What was that for? I thought you were enjoying it?” Rachel exclaimed, a hurt tone in her voice. “Oh no! I was, I was, definitely. It was amazing!” He gave her a reassuring smile. “I just, I wanted to see your beautiful face. And I hardly think it’s fair I’m the only one being pleasured.” Thom checked her face, trying to guess if she bought it or not. Apparently she did, because her initial accusatory expression quickly melted into a tender smile before she buried her head in his chest. “Don’t be silly, Thom. You pleasure me plenty, just to know you’re happy.” She snuggled up closer and let out a contented sigh. Thom couldn’t bear it. She wanted so much to make it up to him, to be a good wife again. And what was he doing? He was thinking of someone else, Jonny of all people! He must really be going insane. It doesn’t matter. From now on, Thom promised to look out just for Rachel & Noah and no one else. Family 1st, band 2nd, and Jonny definitely not even in the top 5. He couldn’t live with himself if he carried on thinking about fucking his own band mate while in the arms of his wife. It was a form of betrayal Thom refused to be guilty of. Sure, his actions during the previous night was much worse than the mere fantasizing, but once was enough and he was okay with blaming it on alcohol, pain and a general fucked head. A second time, however…it was unthinkable. He looked down at the woman in his arms. Thom didn’t care if he had to spend the rest of his life withstanding inferior sex; he refused to hurt her, even if he’s lost count on how many times she’s done the same to him. Planting a tender kiss on her forehead, Thom lifted her head and looked into those familiar eyes. “Let’s go home. We can continue it there.” He spoke as he tilted his seat back. Rachel looked positively giddy at those words and proceeded to climb back into the driver’s seat. As Thom got dressed, he couldn’t help but give himself mental pep talks in order to prepare for whatever lay ahead. ------------------------------- And so life seemed to go on just like this. Thom kept his promises to himself and devoted nearly everything to the safe and comfortable family life he so craved. He needed to do this for Noah, for Rachel, but mostly for himself. It frightened him how things could change at the blink of an eye and he didn’t want to lose himself to something he could never take back. So he adapted his everyday routine and habits around it. He often flaked on rehearsals, he was hardly speaking to anyone in the band more than a few times a month and he’s not written a single note in ages. It was almost as if he was afraid to pick up the guitar and pour out everything that was inside. He didn’t want to have to face the forbidden thoughts that have plagued his subconscious for so long. It would have just made everything even harder to commit to. At first Thom actually believed that happiness could be achieved from all this. But after several weeks of bad dreams and strange panic episodes, Thom knew it couldn’t be further from the truth. There were nights when he’d wake up covered in sweat and he’d make his way downstairs into the kitchen to pour himself a drink. A whiskey, always a whiskey. His mind usually foggy, he’d drink for hours until he could barely stand up. Rachel would find him passed out on the counter as she got up in the morning to make breakfast. When asked about the happenings of each of the previous nights, Thom would always give a vague response hoping she’d just dismiss it as nothing more than random events. But after she found him there for the fifth time, Rachel knew something was up. Not wanting to pry knowing how intensely Thom digs into his shell during similar periods of depression, she simply told him she’d be there for him whenever he needed someone to talk to. The truth is Rachel did sincerely want it to work this time, almost in spite of herself. But a person had her limits, and Rachel didn’t want to know just how soon she would reach hers. Thom often asked himself if this was all worth it. He knew it was a treacherous thing to ask but he couldn’t help it. He thought about Jonny all the time. They had lost all contact outside of studio time. He knew he had to talk to him eventually but he just wasn’t ready yet. Not until he could completely suppress every wrongful desire he felt for him. It was bad enough seeing him at rehearsals, but actually talking to him about that night would be the absolute end of him. Thom thought about that night obsessively. He could still remember just how perfect Jonny’s body had felt under his fingertips. And he couldn’t lie to himself. It was unlike anything he’s ever felt with anyone. But each time, as soon as images of that night filled his brain, another part of his subconscious would send out a conflicting image of Noah and Rachel, and he’d feel absolute sick to his stomach. This had nothing to do with the issue of him being gay or straight, but with the very path of destruction he would set his entire family life on if he ever acted on such feelings. If this had been 10, or even 5 years ago, it would have been a much easier decision. But now…now there was just so much more to lose. Thom went over everything in his head like this everyday, and it seemed like he was always going in circles, coming to the same conclusions. Until finally one day, he just stopped thinking and gave up. He gave up trying to think up of other resolutions, gave up trying to justify his actions, gave up fantasizing the life he could be having with Jonny. He closed his head and just went on acting out the duties he had grown to detest so much. ************* Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and soon it was getting close to the winter holidays. On one seemingly ordinary day, a life-changing conversation took place. “Sharona, I —“ “What, Jon? You look like you just saw a ghost.” “I’m sorry.” “For what?” “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. God…all of this, it was my fault. It was, absolutely. And I’d hate myself if you feel responsible in anyway. Everything’s just gone to shit now and I don’t even know what to do, for you, for Tamir, for this life I’ve tried so hard to keep. But it wasn’t enough, fuck. Sharona, please promise you’ll just forgive me and never hate me. I couldn’t live with myself, God……” “Jonny, Jonny! Stop, what’s going on? I don’t understand a word you’re saying. Forgive you for what?” “For fucking up our marriage.” “Wh-how?” “I—“ “WHAT?” “I’m in love with someone else.” Silence. “Shit.” A pause. “Who is it?” “Sh—I really don’t think you should know.” “Fuck, Jonny, you just blurted out of nowhere that you’re in love with someone else! I think I have a right to know who this person is if she’s really gone so far as fucking up our marriage.” “That’s the problem….” “What?” “It’s not a she.” Silence. ------------------------------- So this is what’s become of my life. Jonny mused as he gazed forlornly at the boxes of records and books inside the empty house that used to be the haven shared with the two people he loved the most. And now… Now, he’s just a loser fuck-up. And for what? A coward who was too afraid to face himself. Thom hadn’t spoken to him in two months; the longest period of time he’d ever broken contact with Jonny. Rarely showing up to rehearsals, it was almost as if he was losing interest in the band and everything he’s loved and fought so hard for all these years. For one thing, he hadn’t written a single thing in ages, and for another, he wouldn’t even speak more than three words to anyone per rehearsal. Based on the amount of effort he actually put into it, Jonny thought he might as well not show up at all. Dropping a stack of books into an open box, Jonny glanced over at the picture frames still unpacked on the windowsill. Mostly baby photos of Tamir, there were also beautiful shots taken from Jonny and Sharona’s wedding day. Thinking back on that day, Jonny couldn’t help but recall everything since then with a deep sense of regret. Had he made the right choice? This was a question he asked himself every night since the talk he had with Sharona. Never a woman of weak will, Sharona had immediately asked for a divorce. To her, no matter how much she loved Jonny and how much it pained her to say goodbye to him, she couldn’t put up this façade that everything was okay. And neither could Jonny, judging by his decision to come clean. After finding out who the mystery-man was, she didn’t really find it a surprise that Jonny had fallen for him, considering the close, deeply intense relationship Thom and Jonny had shared for so many years. Initially filled with anger and pain, Sharona soon realized that what’s done is done. And she owed it to herself to move on and start over. The same could be said for Jonny. Neither of them wanting a messy custody battle, the two decided to continue living in close vicinity of each other in Oxford so it would be easy for Tamir to commute between them. It pained Jonny so much that he wasn’t capable of providing a happy and stable home for his only child, but these things…they were a waste of time to think about. He could only do the best he could, and Jonny knew that someday when Tamir is all grown up, he would understand. In the meantime, Jonny was attempting to come to terms with his new life. He wanted to start over with a clean slate, making no room for lies. The lies he’s been feeding himself all these years have been this one huge perpetual cycle of self-oppression. The more he lied, the deeper he buried himself into a dark hole of isolation. He would dig and dig and dig, until it became virtually impossible to climb out and face the real world anymore. Jonny didn’t want to ever go back to that hole again. It constantly made him feel this enormous sense of shame and self-hatred. Jonny knew that must be what Thom’s feeling right now, but he couldn’t be bothered to sympathize. To be truthful, it was painful just thinking about him. These days the mere thought of Thom would cause Jonny to seize in convulsive sobs, his thoughts plunging into deep despair. It wasn’t just to do with the fact that they weren’t together, or the fact that Thom was lying about the most essential part of him, but ultimately it pained him to know just how helpless he was in the face of everything. This deep intense friendship they used to share, it was gone. And to Jonny, Thom didn’t seem to really give a fuck at all. ------------------------------- “Give me another one.” “Are you sure, mate? This is your seventh hit. I’m not a bloody doctor, but I sure as hell don’t want the fucking police to come after me because of some careless twat who’s stupid enough to OD on my fucking doorstep.” “Do you want to make money or not?” A pause. “Aye, I don’t want any fucking trouble. So if anything happens, you didn’t get it from me, ok?” “Yeah, whatever. Just hand it over.” It’s been exactly five months since Jonny divorced with Sharona, and four months since Christmas. What began off as a promising new period in Jonny’s life quickly dwindled into the mess he was in now. He had meant what he said about starting over and trying to move on. Really, he did. But out of control emotions got in the way of his seemingly simple plans and once again, Jonny found himself facing demons he wasn’t quite ready to deal with. Plagued with thoughts of Thom and the what-if’s of their now deceased friendship, Jonny spent countless nights training himself how to act around this inevitable figure in his life, hoping to mend and gather the remains of everything he held dear. And it seemed to have gone on ok. He told himself there was no chance for a “Thom and Jonny” over and over again until he believed it with every ounce of his being. It became a mantra, and what a mantra it was. Painfully scrolling across his brain 24/7, the only thing that kept him going was the thought of having this once-constant force back in his life again. It didn't matter that they he could never love Thom as fully and as freely as he wanted. As long as he had him in his life, it was enough for Jonny. Sure, he saw him all the time in the studio. But Jonny kept a death-hold on himself, promising not to face him until he was ready. During all those months, he kept on hoping somehow, that Thom would approach him first, ask him how he was doing, how his wife was, etc. But he never did. And then, the day came. Jonny had never been so sure of himself, and yet so scared at the same time. Walking up apprehensively to Thom one day after rehearsals by his car, it was as if every decision he’d made within the past year was building in intensity and pressure, about to be released in this critical moment. And that everything would be worth it if he just got one smile from Thom, one sigh, one word. It didn’t have to be much, it didn’t have to be anything more than a simple acknowledgement read from his eyes, but as long as Jonny knew without certainty that Thom still cared about him, still gave a fuck about him, then he would be ok. He’d move on, start over, focus on something else. It didn’t matter what he did, he just needed a sign, an indication of emotional release from the only person Jonny could ever be willing to kill for. He had practiced so perfectly in the bathroom before coming to rehearsals. And as he opened his mouth and stared into that familiar face, he could feel his heart suddenly dropping as if being sucked by an imaginary force into some shapeless vacuum in the soles of his feet. It was the first physical pain Jonny had endured all these months as a result of this emotional breakage. And for what? For a man who couldn't even look at him. With his lips pulled into a tight line, Thom had simply lowered his head, flicked his tiny hands and turned around with his back facing Jonny. And without a single word, Thom stepped into his car and floored the gas pedal. Jonny must have stood there for hours. His face a frozen mask of betrayal and disappointment, and his cheeks washed with cold tears. It wasn’t until a friend stopped to ask him if he was okay did Jonny finally snap out of it. Wordlessly leaving his friend, Jonny ran all the way home. He didn’t really know what he was running for, or what he was running from. If anything, he just wanted to feel something other than the pain of rejection and the realization of a friend’s indifference coursing through his veins. Jonny spent that Christmas alone. And every moment since then. ************************** “Jonny, when can we see you?” “I dunno, Ed. I really don’t fucking know.” “But what about the record, the band?” “Fuck the band.” “What?” “Ed, fuck the band. Thom certainly doesn’t give a shit either, so why the fuck do you?” “I do because I love everything this band means, and especially the friendship between all of us.” A strange string of high-pitched laughter. “Ed, there IS no friendship. It’s more of a proximity acquaintance that we’ve all deceived ourselves into thinking it’s somehow so much more so it would make touring and all those times spent with each other a whole lot less unbearable.” A pause. “Ed, don’t you see? This is all bullshit.” “Jonny, what the hell is going on with you? You’ve been moody as fuck and depressed for the past 6 months. I know you’re going through some awful shit with Sharona but maybe this is reason enough to get back with her, aye?” “Ed, you don’t know anything about me. So don’t talk to me like you do.” “Jonny, I just want to hel—“ “Don’t expect to hear from me anytime soon.” Click. ------------------------------- It was another lonely night in Jonny’s apartment. Equipped with 6 grams of ‘the white stuff’ and plenty of smokes, Jonny settled in front of his apartment window and turned up the stereo, playing a personal favourite of his, Leonard Cohen’s Songs of Love and Hate. As he got to work, Jonny’s mind thought back to a particularly memorable night a couple months earlier. Drunk out of his fucking mind, he had wandered down a particularly seedy neighbourhood of Oxford. Having witnessed an especially unsavoury moment that earlier afternoon shared between Thom and his partner outside their studios, Jonny had gone crazy at the sight. It wasn’t that Jonny had never thought about them together, quite the opposite. It was a thought that he was positively obsessed with. Each night, he concocted all sorts of situations and positions that Thom would take her. And he sometimes wondered if Thom’s ever fucked her up the ass, a thought too delicious for words. As much as he was utterly heartbroken over Thom, he was still very much sexually attracted to him. Often taking his own burning cock in his hands, Jonny would let his mind take control until his belly and thighs were covered with cum and his dick soft with satisfaction. But actually seeing them, holding hands and kissing…it was the pain of a thousand knives. And Jonny left the scene as quickly and as inconspicuously as his feet would allow. Barreling home in his car and heading immediately to his alcohol cabinet, Jonny grabbed for the most lethal of liquids, the one that could stop those poisonous thoughts from running through his head the fastest. It seemed like to Jonny the only thing that could stop such agonizing thoughts during those days was hard alcohol. He knew he was completely out of control and ruining what was left of his life. But for the first time ever, Jonny didn’t care. He didn’t really care about much of anything lately anymore. That night, he sat on the kitchen floor emptying all the alcohol bottles into his mouth until he was practically comatose. And yet Jonny found it still wasn’t enough. As soon as the thoughts went away with a swig, they’d just as quickly return. Frustrated with his only friend: alcohol failing him, Jonny had stumbled out of his apartment and started making his way down to a nearby beverage store, hoping to find something much more toxic. But due to his own violently intoxicated state, he had found himself in a sleazy alleyway behind a local gay nightclub instead. Not particularly scared, Jonny had marched right through the back door into one of the private guest rooms in the rear of the club. In the last few seconds before he had gotten completely through the door and before he could see inside, Jonny could make out strange voices dancing amongst each other. Stopping himself for just a few seconds so he could hear better, Jonny became absolutely enthralled in the intensity of the dialogue. “Oh, Will! Harder, faster, I’m going to cooooome!” “Fuck, your ass is so fucking tight, Eric! I can’t wait until my cum explodes inside you.” Murmurs. “Yeah, yeah. You like that? You like it hard, you dirty piece of shit? Tell me you do, fucking tell me!” “I do, Jesus fucking Christ, I do! I love feeling every inch of your massive cock pounding into me, shattering my insides until I’m liquid.” “Scream my name.” The sound of a slap. “Oh yeah! Will, Will, fuck me, ravage me, hurt me!” “Oh baby, you have no idea what’s in store for you.” A few more slaps. “Will, fucking masturbate me now. My dick hurts so bad without your touch.” “Oh, you mean like this?” A high pitched moan immediately filled the air. “Fuck my hands like my cock is fucking your ass.” A few short animal-like grunts soon started breaking through into the quiet night. The voices seemed to stop for a few moments and all Jonny could hear were the sounds of thighs slapping, balls swinging, saliva mixing and the wet, dirty sound of dicks pumping. Jonny could feel his cock getting hard as he stood there, his bottle of vodka still in hand. What he wouldn’t give to be taken like that by Thom. A delicious smile soon spread across his face as the images filled his head. Wildly excited and completely uninhibited as a result of the alcohol, Jonny decided to walk through the doors and get a closer look. Inside were two beautiful boys collapsed virtually on top each other with their sides to Jonny. Taking a swig of his drink, Jonny began to observe the slick physique of the two bodies. Both in their mid twenties, their firm bodies seemed to fit perfectly. Gorgeously defined, Jonny could see the beautifully curved ass of the boy on top. His dark long-ish hair now matted in a mess all around his neck, and his large hands gripped tightly on the thighs of his lover, Jonny couldn’t help but admire the way he took control of the smaller, lighter-haired boy. With thick straight hair and a much skinnier body, the boy on the bottom had almost a feminine physique. The scene was so thick with the smell of sex and testosterone, Jonny couldn’t help but feel dizzy and light-headed. Taking another swig hoping to calm himself, Jonny prepared himself for what would lay ahead for him. He knew eventually the boys would both climax and their alert level would be much higher. But surprisingly, Jonny really had no qualms about being discovered. He preferred it actually. “I can feel it, I’m about to come. Fuck, you feel so damn sexy inside! I could pound your ass like this forever.” “Oh, Will. I want to feel your cum erupting into my ass and running now my legs. Shit, I’m so fucking close!” More grunts. … And then, two distinctive yells pierced through the night air. Jonny resisted every possible urge to stick his hand down his trousers and touch his burning dick. The truth was, Jonny was getting tired of doing all the work himself. As the two naked bodies, now slicked with sweat, reluctantly let each other go, Jonny couldn’t help but look on enviously at two people that have found their match. Who was he kidding? He’ll never have that with anyone. Not unless Thom grew some fucking balls. Jonny continued looking on as the pair of lovers got up and proceeded to clean up and get dressed. The room was quiet for the next few seconds until the darker-haired boy suddenly spoke. “Are you going to stand there forever? Or are you going to actually join the fucking party?” ------------------------------- Jonny stood there, his mouth suddenly dry as sand and the soles of his feet glued to the cement floor. His bottle of whiskey now felt as heavy as lead. The confidence he had felt just seconds ago had disintegrated. “Are you fucking deaf, mate?” “Uhhh” Jonny cleared his throat and shuffled his feet, attempting to gain some control back into the situation. “I was just, ummm…passing by.” Jonny waved his left hand to gesture where he was just coming from. “…and I heard strange noises, so I got worried and---“ The dark haired boy laughed, his hand dangerously close to his now-hardening cock. “I love me a shy boy.” He strolled over, his pace leisurely and his enormous dick swinging with each step. Running his left hand through his tousled hair, the boy’s confidence was clearly evident in his every move. From the way he walked, to his tone of voice and to the way he gazed at Jonny, it was strangely unsettling. But for Jonny, it was also an intense aphrodisiac and he could feel his body heating up under those burning black eyes. The boy, whose name Jonny assumed to be Will continued walking until he was close enough for Jonny to see the twin rings of gold surrounding the center of his eyes, close enough for him to smell the sweat and cum off his skin. “Normally I get quite angry when I find random perverts staring at me while I’m in action. But the moment I saw you standing in the doorway and felt myself almost cum at the sight of you, I knew you would be an exception.” The boy whispered, his hot breath tingling Jonny’s ear and his other hand trailing lightly up and down Jonny’s abdomen. Jonny’s breath came out in jagged puffs as the nearness of Will sent his hormones in overdrive. In a strange way, Will reminded him of Thom. There was something about the way he spoke, the way he swaggered with such cocky arrogance, and the way he looked at him as if he could get anything he wanted. Jonny never thought he’d see such a thing ever again. Now, Thom simply looked at him with fear and suspicion…and guilt. It pained him so much to know he could never have that part of him back again. And fuck, he’s fought so hard for it. He deserved something in return, even if it’ll never be the same as being in Thom’s arms again. Jonny looked into Will’s eyes, his own reflection staring back at him. Looking horribly flushed, he laughed to cover up some of his nervousness. Unfortunately, the booze was gone and the effects were wearing off. Jonny looked away and shuffled his feet again. All of a sudden, he found himself highly alert and unsure of himself. His head was pounding with apprehension and pent-up desires, and Jonny almost began to panic right then and there. He took a deep breath and decided to head out, hoping that some open spaces would clear his head. But his plans were stopped by Will’s hand gently tilting his chin. “What are you so afraid of?” Jonny looked at Will full on and swallowed. “I don’t know.” “Here,” Will grabbed both Jonny’s hands and gingerly pulled him away from the wall. His tone now gentle and low, he took Jon’s hand and walked him through the doorway into the back room, where just minutes earlier he had violently fucked the now content Eric. Jonny felt a little better as he stepped into the large, high-ceilinged space. He couldn’t help but smile as Will set him down on the ruffled bed. Jonny even found his gentle demeanor reminiscent of Thom. A side he rarely showed most people, Thom displayed it quite often in front of his loved ones, especially Jonny. “I’m sorry for being---“ “Aye, don’t worry about it. I’d be nervous around myself too.” Will smiled as he turned towards Eric, “Look what I found outside. A sexy third party!” Jonny didn’t dare look up as Eric gave him the once over. “Will, he’s fucking gorgeous. Look at those lips…” Jonny touched his mouth self-consciously. But no sooner had his hand found his mouth was it pulled away. Suddenly, Jonny could taste another pair of soft, warm lips on his. His eyes still squeezed shut; he could only reciprocate based on his sense of taste and touch. The other boy kissed him fiercely, never letting up. He forced his velvety tongue inside Jonny’s mouth and soon he was sucking on his bottom lips. At first, Jonny was scared in addition to being turned on, but the exhilarating feel of mouth on mouth and tongues intertwinining soon pushed any fear out of his head. Jonny leaned in to deepen the kiss, his hands suddenly wanting to touch the naked body of whoever he was kissing. Roughly grabbing and rubbing the boy’s arms, Jonny let out an almost whispered moan as the boy softly bit into his bottom lip. With his eyes still closed, Jonny further explored the boy’s body. He moved his hands slowly and deliberately down his back, surrendering to the warmth of his skin. When his hands reached the boy’s hips, Jonny suddenly pulled the other body towards him as the boy fell deep into him on top of the firm mattress. Sucking on the boy’s tongue with an intense desperation, Jonny heard the other boy let out a low grunt. It was unlike anything Jonny’s heard before and so he decided to reward the boy by running his teeth over the surface of his tongue. The boy moaned again and this time, Jonny was satisfied enough to move on. Sucking and biting as he went on, Jonny began leaving kisses delicately down the length of the boy’s long, slender neck, all the while continuing to explore his body with his hands. His breath now coming out in disjointed puffs and his moaning becoming more frequent, the boy was very evidently effected by Jonny’s touch. With his body still on top of Jonny and his hands supporting his own weight, Jonny was working at him like a mechanic underneath a car. When Jonny’s lips found his hardened nipples, the boy’s body began to shake and twist uncontrollably out of pleasure. Jonny smiled and flicked his tongue over the hard nub of the boy’s left nipple, again and again. Teasing him with an excruciating pace, Jonny soon started sucking and biting hard on his nipples as his own hands made their way down to the boy’s ass. Grabbing the two cheeks with a passionate fervor, Jonny suddenly turned the boy’s body around and rolled over so that he was now on top of him. Allowing himself to finally open his eyes, he saw with slight disappointment that the boy he was with was Eric, not Will. Although beautiful in his own right, Jonny found himself increasingly attracted to Will and his mannerisms. Not daring to look up to see what he was doing right at this moment, Jonny simply continued starring at Eric and his lean physique, his own body frozen above him. All that could be heard in that moment of hesitation and fear was the sound of the two body’s deep sighs of arousal. Jonny could feel between his two thighs the hard jab of Eric’s erection. Staring at Eric’s puckered pink pout, Jonny was torn between wanting to shove his dick in those luscious lips or completely throw himself at Will’s feet, surrendering his desires, his entire body to him. “What the fuck are you waiting for? You do realize you’re in charge now and my dick is in need of some much needed entertainment” That cocky tone had returned to Will’s voice, which only made Jonny’s cock more aching to be touched. Turning around to locate Will, Jonny found him sitting in an armchair in the corner. His legs unashamedly open and his left hand playing with the head of his impressive dick which by now was glistening at the tip with precum, Will only stared back with wide eyes and a smirk on his face. “I---I’m not very good at being in charge.” Jonny stammered and blushed, climbing down from Eric’s form and setting himself down on the edge of the mattress. Will laughed. He let go of his cock and suddenly got up from the armchair, crossing the distance between them in 3 wide strides. “I was hoping you’d say that.” He stroked Jonny’s hair, all the while waving his swollen erection practically in front of his face. Jonny was feeling more and more out of control. With each movement of Will’s cock, he could only want it more, need it more. He could almost taste his hot cum in the back of his throat, his smooth shaft on top of his tongue, could almost gag at the feel of Will’s whole cock fucking his mouth. He found himself leaning in just a bit and slightly sticking out his tongue to catch the juices dripping out of his dick, but Will only backed away, giggling to himself at the control he exerted over a boy like Jonny. Will stooped down until he was face to face with Jonny. Leaving a tantalizing kiss on the side of his jaw, Will began removing Jonny’s clothes, taking extra steps to be gentle. “I should have known.” Will stared into Jonny’s opal eyes. “Beautiful boys like you are made to be ravaged. Anything otherwise would be nothing but unnatural.” [ home ]