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I “Well? What is it?” Jonny had taken a seat opposite to Thom in a small booth. They had fled the NME Award party after deciding that they had been playing nice for as long as they could bear. Jonny had planned to take a train home that night, while Thom, who after some rather nasty experiences hated being on suburban trains in the middle of the night, had taken a room in a hotel. But just when Jonny had tried to call a cab Thom had grabbed his arm and had dragged him into a pub at a street corner. “I’ll miss my last train.” “What’s the worry, you know I have a room here. It’s got an extra couch, too. I want to talk to you.” “About what?” Jonny was confused. Usually Thom only talked about business, music or the band when they were in the studio or when he had called an official meeting with the others. Always tried to keep it all on a professional level. When was the last time they had spent time together in a pub, just talking? It must have been some time before the Kid A recordings...Jonny looked up and found Thom watching him warily. This was getting weirder and weirder. Finally Thom spoke. “So, what were you thinking about right now?” “That you need a haircut.” “Ha, ha. No, but really?” “That we haven’t been sitting like this and talking for more than four years.” Thom looked down at the table. “I know. Somehow things kind of drifted apart...” Thom fell silent again. This was serious, Jonny realized. Whatever was on Thom’s mind, it was more than just a ‘when are we going to do our next acoustic set’ problem. So he sat back and waited patiently for Thom to figure out his approach. “Are you going to quit the band?” “WHAT???” Jonny had a feeling as if he had just been slapped across the face. He needed a few seconds to grasp what Thom had just asked him. “What the fuck are you talking about? Are you fucking insane? What on earth makes you think I would want to quit the band?” He just couldn’t believe it. The band was the center of his life almost as long as he could think, and Thom had always been the center of this center, and now he actually had the cheek to ask him if...he felt hurt and insulted. “Well, what about your outside activities during the last months?” Thom squinted, leaned over the table and hissed into his face. “Bodysong, that Smear thing you’ve been working on, and all your other little projects? Or did you think I wouldn’t notice? Did you think I would just sit around and wait patiently until you tell the rest of us to fuck off because you have more important things to do than work with us?” When Thom was feeling helpless, his usual way out was getting aggressive. Jonny could already feel the storm gathering, could see it in Thom’s face, could hear it in his voice. Sensing Thom’s fear behind his aggression Jonny’s own anger dissolved within a few seconds. But just when he embraced himself for the inevitable temper tantrum they were interrupted. “Uhm, excuse me, but....aren’t you Thom and Jonny from Radiohead?” Jonny had noticed two or three girls at the bar turning their heads when they had come in but had hoped that they would be lucky enough not to get recognized this time. But one of them had approached their table now, at a most unfortunate moment. Watching Thom slowly turn his head to the girl, fury radiating from him like steam from a simmering kettle, he knew what was going to happen next. “Here we go”, he thought. “Poor girl.” “Fuck off! What the fuck do you want? This is a private conversation! PRI-VATE! Want me to spell it? Do you even have a fucking idea what that word means? Or are you too busy collecting celebrities so you fucking forget the first thing about respecting someone’s dignity? Fuck!” Thom threw a fiver on the table and stormed out. Jonny smiled apologetically at the girl who stood there thunderstruck and followed, his mind racing. So that’s what this was all about. Dragging him to this awful award night, these acoustic sets during the tour, Thom’s interest in the whole Bodysong procedure...had he been trying to control what he was doing? Thom was waiting outside. “I’m a tosser, ain’t I?” “Not more than usual.” As soon as he had said it Jonny regretted the joke. Thom didn’t even smile. He stared at Jonny, wide-eyed, his lower lip trembling. Jonny was at a loss. He hadn’t realized how upset Thom really was. “Come on, let’s go for a walk, what do you say?” Jonny suggested. Thom obviously needed some time to pull himself together, and walking sometimes cooled him down a little. “Ok...” ------------------------------------- II Half an hour passed with neither of them saying a word. When Thom finally spoke Jonny knew that he had not recovered in the least, if anything he sounded even more agonized and scared than before. “You know, last week I’ve been to the studio and listened to some of your recorded stuff. It’s fucking brilliant, you know that? I think you have outgrown the rest of us, you don’t need us anymore. Sometimes I believe that the band is just a burden to you, that we just hinder you from doing what you really could do...and I think as soon as you got that figured out yourself you’re just going to leave...” “No! No, I’m not! I couldn’t exist without the band, I really need you, and the others, too, but mostly you, more than anything...” “No you don’t. You just don’t know it yet...I’m not jealous, I swear...I just don’t want to be left behind...” Thom’s voice trailed off, clearly at the brink of tears. He turned his back to Jonny, trying not to show how desperate he was. Jonny, at a loss what to do, simply stood and looked at him. Old feelings, long buried, suddenly emerged. This terrible desire...Thom was the first person that Jonny had truly fallen in love with. Not the ‘wanking in bed at night’- type of love (well, that too) but the real thing, the want to be near somebody, to touch, to hold, to explore and, mostly, to understand. Those days, when he first was allowed to attend rehearsals, sitting there awestruck, shy, desperate not to do anything wrong, already then he had sensed the genius in Thom, what he would be capable of one day if given the chance. Then he had just known that he had to be near that flame, that he could only bring his own talents to the surface with the help of that small, irritable, brilliant man. But things had moved on. Jonny had learned to channel his desire for Thom into absolute dedication for the band, leaving everything else like school, friends or other interests behind. He had never known if Thom had similar feelings towards him, mainly because he had always avoided looking into his eyes, afraid to give himself away. Just sometimes he had sensed something, like when Thom patted his back after a particularly successful session, the patting being more of a stroking, starting at his neck and going down to his shoulders. Jonny had always shied away from this touch, too scared to respond. So after some time the patting had stopped and their relationship had turned into plain and good friendship. But now it all came back, after being suppressed all these years. Jonny watched Thom as he stood there, his back turned toward him, trying hard to regain composure, restlessly shuffling from one foot to the other. He couldn’t think of anything to say, couldn’t put into words what he felt, so he took two steps forward and awkwardly embraced Thom from behind, sliding his arms around his small, trembling frame. Under his touch Thom grew rigid. Scared of having done something terribly wrong Jonny started to pull back when suddenly he felt Thom’s hands on his arms, tugging himself into the embrace of the taller man like pulling a blanket around his shoulders. Relieved Jonny put his cheek on Thom’s bowed head, breathing in the scent of his hair and the faint smell of wine and cigarettes on his breath. Neither of them knew how long they stood there, motionless, losing track of time, not wanting to let go. Afraid that the moment would pass as soon as one of them moved. ------------------------------------- III “Oh Jesus, just look at them fuckin’ faggots!!!” A car passed, full with obviously drunk men, leering and yelling. A bottle came flying, missing Jonny’s head only by an inch. They both jumped, letting go of each other, trying to figure out how to react. Fortunately the car drove on, apparently the passengers had better things to do. Not sure of what to make of the previous minutes, Jonny and Thom simply started to walk. Neither of them said a word. Just when Jonny thought that he couldn’t stand one more second of this awkward silence he heard Thom whisper “Thanks” and felt a small hand groping for his own. He took Thom’s hand and whispered back “I’m always here.” He wanted to say so much more, but fearing that he would not find the right words he hoped that Thom would understand what he felt without explaining. When Thom moved Jonny’s hand to his mouth and kissed it, Jonny for a second thought that he would faint. He couldn’t believe this was happening, feeling a heat wave race through his entire body, raising the temperature of his skin. Thom flinched and looked at Jonny’s hand as if he had just burned his mouth, then looked at Jonny and smiled. Jonny grinned back, miserably, a little ashamed of his obvious desire. “So...” Thom looked around. Seeing a cab approaching he raised his hand. When the car stopped Thom, who was still holding on to Jonny’s hand, gave the driver an address and pulled Jonny into the back. “Since your last train is gone for sure, we might as well go to my hotel, you agree?” “Yeah, sure.” They sat in silence, still holding hands. Jonny had a feeling as if Thom was waiting to see what he would do next. With the memory of last minutes’ events vividly burning in his mind, he put one arm around Thom’s shoulders and pulled him close. He felt Thom’s arms sliding clumsily around his waist and heard him sigh against his chest, relieved. Hearing that sigh Jonny knew that whatever would happen tonight, they would both want it, and they would both be able to integrate it into their life and into their relationship. “15 Gloucester Square, 6 quid.” Luckily the driver didn’t seem to be into rock music, he had not recognized them. When they finally entered Thom’s room Jonny looked around in the small suite. “Didn’t you say that your room had an extra couch? Where is it?” Now it was Thom’s turn to grin miserably. “Uhm...I made that up, kind of. I would have said anything to stop you from getting on your train...” “You mean you planned this all along?” “No, of course not!” Thom stared, horrified. “What do you think of me? I was just desperate to talk to you and I was scared you’d leave before I could ask and...and...and you were the one who hugged me first, remember?” Jonny grinned, unable to keep a straight face. He loved doing this. It was so easy to pull Thom’s leg. Finally it dawned on Thom that he was being had. “You! Fuck you! I can’t believe I fell for this!” Thom gave him the finger in mock anger, but it was obvious that he was relieved. “You’re going to pay for this...” “Hope so”, Jonny muttered under his breath while he watched Thom vanishing in the bathroom. Smiling with delight and anticipation Jonny turned the lights off and started to undress in the dark. But when he came to his underwear and t-shirt, he faltered. Could he be wrong? There was still a chance that Thom had an entirely different idea of spending the night together, wasn’t there? What if... ”What if you are just a bloody coward?” Jonny muttered to himself. So off with shirt and boxers. The room was chilly and diffusely illuminated by the street lights outside the window. Jonny scrambled under the covers and started counting the seconds until Thom would come out of the bathroom. ------------------------------------- IV When the bathroom door finally opened Jonny knew that Thom most definitely did not have a different idea of spending the night together. During the second before Thom turned off the bathroom lights Jonny could see in the back light that he was naked, too. Thom cautiously made his way to the bed, his eyes not yet adjusted to the dark. Jonny opened his arms and Thom, almost like a child, crawled into his embrace. "Just like I thought it would be", Jonny thought dreamily. He felt Thom’s skin against his own, every square inch was bliss. Slowly he started stroking Thom’s back, his shoulders and arms. The skin under his fingers felt as soft as silk, so white that it seemed to be glowing in the dark. He began to kiss Thom’s cheekbones, his temples and forehead, the tender skin around his eyes. Thom lifted his head and for the first time their lips touched. Slowly their kiss became stronger, more intense, until they ended up with their tongues intertwined, exploring and experiencing at the same time. Careful as to not break their kiss Jonny slowly shifted around until Thom was lying on his back. He felt Thom’s hands in his hair, sliding his fingers through the strands. With closed eyes he started to explore the body underneath him, all mouth and fingers. Fragile collarbones, protruding ribs, small sensitive nipples. A belly that wasn’t one, more of a hollow, moving quickly with Thom’s accelerating breath. Soft curly hair, starting around the belly button, spreading down to his crotch. Thighs twitching and pushing against his hand as he ran his fingers over them. “Touch me...please, touch me...”, Thom whispered almost inaudibly between breaths. Jonny moved his mouth down to one of Thom’s groins, caressing the tender skin with his tongue before wrapping his lips around his fully erect cock. He felt Thom shake, pushing his hips upwards, his whole body arching with eagerness. When he started moving up and down, using lips, tongue and hand in a corresponding rhythm he briefly wondered if Thom was aware that he wasn’t doing this for the first time. In those earlier days he sometimes had sought the company of other men to find a way to compensate his unanswered desire for Thom, who had seemed to be so out of reach for him. But did that really matter now? Jonny abandoned this train of thought instantly, realizing gratefully that he was having now what he had always desired, that nobody could take away these precious minutes from him. “Hh...hh...hh...hh...” Inwardly Jonny smiled, listening to Thom’s gasps. He had always found as much pleasure in giving as in receiving and was now enraptured by the sound of Thom losing himself in lust. “The perfect song”, he thought. “And he’s singing it for me. He’s mine. Mine.” With this feeling of power and bliss he increased his grip and circled his tongue and lips in an even closer ring around Thom’s cock, letting his teeth scrape the tender skin just lightly. He could hear Thom moan, his breathing becoming irregular and abrupt, mixed with high-pitched little cries. Suddenly he felt Thom’s whole body tremble and knew that he had lead him over the edge. His mouth was flooded with semen and he did something that he had never done for any of his earlier lovers, he swallowed. ------------------------------------- V Jonny thought that Thom had already fallen asleep. After he had recovered he had pulled him up into his arms, had kissed him, had whispered “Thank you, thank you so much”, had clutched and squeezed him until Jonny thought he would suffocate. Jonny was now resting his head on Thom’s chest, felt his arms clasped around him, listened to his heartbeat and now peaceful breathing. Then he heard Thom speak: “You know, from the very first day you joined the band I’ve always wanted you to touch me like this, I’ve always wanted to be with you...” “Really? But you never showed! I mean, you never gave me a clear sign, I was craving for you, but I always thought that you were merely being nice to me.” Thom freed himself from their embrace, leaned on his elbow and stared at him. In the twilight Jonny could see his expression, unsure and shocked. “You were craving for me? But you ran away every time I came near you! You never even looked at me!” They looked into each others eyes for a long time. Then Thom cuddled back into Jonny’s arms. “It’s crazy what we could have had”, he murmured, unaware that he was quoting an old REM song. Jonny first thought was to answer: “But we can still have it now”, but he stayed silent, refusing to think about what tomorrow would be like. He decided that just living for the moment was the best thing to do now, this wonderful night was too precious to spoil it with thoughts about the future. He must have drifted off at some point, because he found himself lying on his belly, his arms forming a circle around his head, this being his favorite sleeping position. He winced as he suddenly felt a sharp pain in a rather tender area. Thom had bitten his butt. “Wake up, sleepy, we are not done yet!” Jonny sat up and involuntarily let his gaze fall on Thom’s crotch to check if there was still work to do. “Not me, silly – we still need to take care of you! Although after that lecherous look that you just gave me, I might bloody well...” Thom grinned, not finishing his sentence. Then he laid a hand on Jonny’s chest and gently pushed him back onto the bed. Jonny closed his eyes and waited for what would happen, already aroused with mere anticipation. “God, you are beautiful.” he heard Thom say as he felt his hands on his torso, his lips on his chest and nipples, “I could do this for the next twenty years...” “Yes please...” Jonny was already breathing heavily, feeling Thom’s mouth nearing his now painfully erect cock. He heard a soft, scraping sound and suddenly a familiar scent entered his nose. Nivea... Nivea? Jonny’s eyes flew open as he suddenly felt Thom’s hand around his cock, sticky with cream and a little cold. He lifted his head, shocked but at the same time utterly overwhelmed as he realized what Thom had in mind for him. “Thom, no! Wait! You can’t be wanting this. I would hurt you, you know that. Please, I would be just as happy if you...” But Thom closed his mouth with a finger. He moved up to Jonny’s face until their eyes were only inches apart. “This isn’t about what I want. I got what I wanted. This is about you. Only you. What you want. Do you want this?” For a second Jonny tried to deny it with all his strength but then he gave up. He did want this, probably more than anything he had ever wanted before. So he nodded. “Good.” Thom smiled. He laid down on his back, pulling Jonny on top of him in the process. Jonny felt his head spin, both scared and ecstatic. He fervently kissed Thom on the mouth and started cautiously, slowly to penetrate him. For the second time that night Jonny felt Thom stiffening and growing rigid in his embrace. As before he became frightened and tried to pull back and as before Thom grabbed his arms and would not let him. “No”, he heard him whisper, “just...wait a little.” So he waited, patiently, although his body trembled with need, although he was at the brink of losing his self-control, although he wanted nothing more than to push himself into Thom with all his strength again and again. Eventually he felt the man under him relax, and when he felt that Thom was ready he started moving. Slowly, carefully, tenderly. Soon he felt Thom respond to his rhythm, gasping more with lust than with pain. Jonny started kissing Thom’s mouth, cheeks, down to his neck. After a while he began to move faster, picking up speed, panting and gasping, still hardly believing that this was really happening. He felt as if he was making love for the first time. Despite those blow-jobs he had given and received when he was still almost a kid he had never actually slept with another man. He moaned with every thrust, louder and louder as his thrusts became harder and faster, until he gave up any kind of self-control and pushed into an orgasm of an intensity that he had never felt before. Only when he was delivered he became aware of Thom struggling for breath under him, his fingers digging deep into his shoulders, trying hard to stifle his cries. Jonny collapsed on top of him, entirely spent, already regretting that he had let himself get carried away like this. Leaning on his elbows he frantically started kissing Thom all over his face, trying to transport his regret with every kiss. “I hurt you. God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t...you shouldn’t have let me do that. I’m so sorry.” But Thom only smiled, pulled him into his arms and kissed his forehead and hair, sticky with sweat. “There, “ he murmured, ”don’t worry, love. You didn’t do anything that I didn’t want you to do. Sleep now, don’t worry. Don’t worry.” He pulled a blanked from the side of the bed over the both of them and Jonny felt consoled and safe and happy, drifting off into sleep as he felt Thom’s hands still stroking his hair and neck. End. |